Last week I went to the gym for the first time in a long time.
I asked a very muscular trainer, "Excuse me, but which one of these machines will help you get the best looking women?"
He said, "The ATM outside."
I went to the doctor's yesterday and told him I was suffering from premature ejaculation
The doctor said " this must be very stressful for your wife?"
"To be honest" I replied, "it's getting on her tits"
I looked out of the window in horror at the crowd gathered around a crashed motorcyclist - then I rushed outside.
"Let me through!" I yelled.
"Oh, thank God," said someone, "are you a doctor?"
"No," I replied, "that's my f
king pizza."
A mate of mine has a really bad stutter...by the time he had told us his Nanna had died we were all singing Hey Jude.
I boarded a bus and just to be sure said to the conductor "Does this bus go to Bradford?!
He said "No Leeds"
I said "It says Bradford on the front"
He replied "It says India on the tyres, but we're not going there"