Joke thread

Jesus walks into a restaurant and says to the waiter "Table for 26 please"

"But there are only 13 of you."

"Yes, but we are all going to sit on the same side."


I was at a panto recently which starred Katie Price. It was awful. Whenever the crowd shouted "He's behind you!" she just bent over and spread her legs apart.
 
A man running a little behind schedule arrives at a picture theatre, goes in to watch the movie that has already started, and as his eyes adjust to the darkness, he is surprised to see a dog sitting beside its master in the row ahead, intently watching the movie. It even seemed to be enjoying the movie: wagging its tail in the happy bits, drooping its ears at the sad bits, and hiding its eyes with its paws at the scary bits.

After the movie, the man approaches the dog's owner, "hey man, your dog really seemed to enjoy the movie. I'm amazed!"

"Yes, I'm amazed also," came the reply. "He hated the book.
 
mad4city said:
True story: I grew up in a rough area and I was the last to leave home. My parents were old and I knew my going would leave them vulnerable to the latest crop of shitheads on the estate.
My mother always had a thing with dogs. Her father was a professional greyhound trainer. I guess she got it from him. It's hard to explain it. My brother has it too. If there's a doggy equivalent of a gardener with green thumbs, that's what I'm talking about.
Anyway, I bought a Rottweiler before I moved out, knowing full well my mother would click with the creature and they'd have a bit of extra protection when I left them on their own.
One day, after I'd moved our, my mother was walking the dog. He was still a pup really, not even a year old. She passed some of the local scumbags, at the shops, and there were remarks made about the dog. Nothing complimentary, just the usual bullshit.
"Go on, so" said my mother, taking the dog off the leash.
The dog walked over and proceeded to take a long piss on the biggest loudmouth's leg. Your man did sweet fuck all except stand there.
My parents have both gone on to their eternal reward and so has Reuben, the dog. They never had any more trouble from the local shitheads.
Click to expand...
I was waiting for the punchline there.
 
A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you are embarrassed." He thought a minute and then said, "You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying that...that phrase in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw this two male parrots were inside their cage, hold their rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes.

Do you want to have some fun?"

There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"
 
A bookie was at the races playing the ponies and losing his shirt.

He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a long shot - won the race!

Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track. Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses.

The bookie made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race!

He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next. He bet big on it, and it won. As the races continued the Priest kept blessing horses, and each one ended up winning!

The bookie was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited for the Priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on. True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was 100/1. This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. The bookie knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.

He watched dumbfounded as the old nag pulled up and couldn't even finish the race. In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the Priest
was. Confronting him, he demanded, “Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed never even had a chance. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings!”

The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. “You're not Catholic are you my son?”

"No, I'm Jewish."

"That's the problem", said the Priest, "you couldn't tell the difference between a blessing and last rites."
 
I was charged £5 at the fuel station for air to blow my tires up.
When I queried why the price was so high, all he said was "inflation!"
 
Saw this on a penguin wrapper from a bar that I was eating earlier and thought it was so dumb that it was funny....

Why can't penguins fly? Because it's a chocolate biscuit.
 
My favourite website is Conjunctivitis.com

It's a site for sore eyes........

There's an Afghan social media website: Friends Re-ignited...............
 
The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record store

...and asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”

“Certainly.” replies the assistant.“Would you like to listen before you buy it?”

"That would be wonderful." says the expert and puts on a pair of headphones.

He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant “I'm terribly sorry but I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don't recognise any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?”

The assistant checks the turntable, and replies that it is indeed European Vespidae acoustics Volume 2. The assistant apologies and lifts the needle onto the next track.

Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant "No, this just can't be right! I've been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don't recognise any of these sounds."

The assistant apologises again and lifts the needle to the next track.

The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage. "This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!"

The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over.

"What seems to be the problem, sir?"

"This is an outrage! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!"

The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly.

"I'm terrible sorry, sir. It appears we've been playing you the bee side."
 
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