Joke thread

[Lavinda Past]

The local council received a call from a woman, requesting his help with a leaky pipe in her apartment. The council arranged for their plumber to do the job.
When he arrived, the plumber was pleasantly surprised to find that the woman was very attractive and had a stunning figure.
He completed the job, and as the afternoon progressed, the two grew increasingly close and started to get intimate.

Around 5:00 p.m., the phone rang, interrupting their passionate rendezvous.

The woman answered the call and told the plumber, "That was my husband. He's on his way home, but he'll be heading back to his office at 8 p.m. If you come back then, we can continue where we left off."

The plumber stared at the woman in disbelief and responded, "What? On my own time?"

 

[Lavinda Past]

Gladys, the new vicar's wife accompanied her husband to church. Unfortunately, his sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the congregation fell asleep.

After the service, to be sociable, she walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman. In an attempt to revive him from his stupor, she extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn."

The gentleman replied, "You're not the only one!"

 

[Lavinda Past]

A guy has been suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he's referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor.

The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies, "I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and...."

He is interrupted by the doctor, "And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear".

"Yes! Exactly! How did you know?"

"Well I am the world's greatest headache specialist, you know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles.

This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head.

Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes".

Two weeks go by and the man is back, "Well, how do you feel?" asks the doctor.

"Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had a single headache since I started this treatment! I really can't thank you enough.

And, by the way... you have a lovely home."

 

[ray21]

.

 

[Alan Harper's Tash]

 

[NZBlue]

Wow! Where are Rolf and GG when you need them?

 

[NZBlue]

 

[Bill Walker]

 

[Bill Walker]

 

[dickie davies]

Sad news at the nestle factory today, a member of staff was seriously injured when a pallet of chocolate fell more than 50 feet and crushed him underneath, he tried in vain to attract attention but every time he shouted "the milky bars are on me" everyone cheered!!!

Sad news at the Nestle factory today when a member of staff was seriously injured when a pallet of chocolate fell more than 50 feet and crushed him underneath...
He tried in vain to attract attention but every time he shouted "The milky bars are on me", everyone cheered.

Sad news at the Nestle factory today when a member of staff was seriously injured when a pallet of chocolate fell more than 50 feet and crushed him underneath...

He tried in vain to attract attention, but every time he shouted "The milky bars are on me" everyone cheered.