Joke thread

[foetus]

you are both a pair of *****..one for writing it and taking 10 years off my life and one for saying its brilliant

I have the NSA on a search for you , they will find you..and kill you

 

[Brisblu]

THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY A GORTON GIRL.

Three friends married women from different parts of the world..... The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a Thai girl. He gave his wife orders that she was to... do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results but the next day he saw it was better.
By the third day he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and
there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Gorton. He ordered her to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.
The first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

He still has some difficulty when he urinates..

 

[matrix0161]

I bought a Manchester United sledge today..

I've never gone downhill so fast before in my life.

 

[i kne albert davy]

Mark Spitz,

Tom swallows.

Googie Withers.

And Walt Disney

 

[Zubrman]

Mark Spitz,

Tom swallows.

Googie Withers.

And Walt Disney

James Caan, however Brian Cant.

 

[foetus]

I'm seriously thinking of driving down to Wollongong and smashing his computer.

Will you wankers stop quoting the kangaroo fucking ***** long and unfunny bastard jokes?

just seen these lol. That was the last one. Knew i'd get a negative reaction to that one.

 

[citymantop]

Four guys have been going to the same Golfing trip to the Algarve for many years.

Two days before the group is to leave, Jack's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Jack's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later, the three get to the Algarve only to find Jack sitting at the beach with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire, sitting having a cold beer.

"Shit Jack, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since last night.



Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie.



She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. Well she's been reading 50 Shades of Grey......

On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.

And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So, Here I am!

 

[bennyblue]

Four guys have been going to the same Golfing trip to the Algarve for many years.

Two days before the group is to leave, Jack's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Jack's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later, the three get to the Algarve only to find Jack sitting at the beach with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire, sitting having a cold beer.

"Shit Jack, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since last night.



Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie.



She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. Well she's been reading 50 Shades of Grey......

On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.

And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So, Here I am!

 

[its a Barm]

Four guys have been going to the same Golfing trip to the Algarve for many years.

Two days before the group is to leave, Jack's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Jack's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later, the three get to the Algarve only to find Jack sitting at the beach with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire, sitting having a cold beer.

"Shit Jack, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since last night.



Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie.



She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. Well she's been reading 50 Shades of Grey......

On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.

And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So, Here I am!

As they say the old ones are the best.

 

[BackofJeanette]

FFS

Some shite on here recently.....


Here's some more!


Be careful if you're driving past old trafford this week. A lot of people have picked up 3 points there recently.


Utd fans getting lots of credit after an impeccable 90 minutes silence for Nelson Mandela



Just bought a Manchester United sledge...
I've never gone downhill so fast in all my life!

And finally....

I joined a fisting club last week. It really widened my friends circle.