Joke thread

A chap came home from the pub drunk and his Mrs gave him an ultimatum; if he were to come home drunk once more, she would leave him.

The next day he was back in the pub and was so drunk that he threw up all down the front of his jacket.

He told the barman how much trouble he now would be in if he went home like that. The barman gave him some advice.

"Tell your wife that it was someone else who threw up on you. Put a twenty pound note in your inside pocket now, and show her it when you get home. Tell her that the guy who vomited on you gave you the money for dry cleaning."

He did that and set off for home. When he got there his wife was appalled at the state he was in and was just about to start on him when he held up his hand.

"It's not what you think, Love. I'm not drunk. Some bloke did this on my jacket and he gave me twenty quid for the dry cleaning."

He pulled out the cash to show her.

"Why have you got two twenty pound notes then?" she asked him.

"The other twenty quid was from the guy who shat in my trousers."
 
Zubrman said:
A chap came home from the pub drunk and his Mrs gave him an ultimatum; if he were to come home drunk once more, she would leave him.

The next day he was back in the pub and was so drunk that he threw up all down the front of his jacket.

He told the barman how much trouble he now would be in if he went home like that. The barman gave him some advice.

"Tell your wife that it was someone else who threw up on you. Put a twenty pound note in your inside pocket now, and show her it when you get home. Tell her that the guy who vomited on you gave you the money for dry cleaning."

He did that and set off for home. When he got there his wife was appalled at the state he was in and was just about to start on him when he held up his hand.

"It's not what you think, Love. I'm not drunk. Some bloke did this on my jacket and he gave me twenty quid for the dry cleaning."

He pulled out the cash to show her.

"Why have you got two twenty pound notes then?" she asked him.

"The other twenty quid was from the guy who shat in my trousers."
Click to expand...

Brilliant, would never have guessed that punch line.
 
Horse is in the pub having a few when spots a donkey in the corner so he nips over to have a natter, donkey asks "what did you do for a living" horse says " I ran on the flat in the summer and over the jumps in the winter", Donkey says "I worked with the kids on blackpool beach" , then he asks "did you win anything" horse says "yeah on the flat I won the Oaks, St. Leger and the Derby and over the jumps I won the Grand National and the Gold Cup”, they arrange to meet at the donkey's house a week later, donkey thinks, "I need to impress this c*** he's done everything" , so he buys a big picture of a zebra and hangs it above the fireplace, the horse arrives and says "lovely place you have here and who's that in the picture on the wall", donkey replies " thats me when I played for Juventus !
 
AVCol said:
Horse is in the pub having a few when spots a donkey in the corner so he nips over to have a natter, donkey asks "what did you do for a living" horse says " I ran on the flat in the summer and over the jumps in the winter", Donkey says "I worked with the kids on blackpool beach" , then he asks "did you win anything" horse says "yeah on the flat I won the Oaks, St. Leger and the Derby and over the jumps I won the Grand National and the Gold Cup”, they arrange to meet at the donkey's house a week later, donkey thinks, "I need to impress this c*** he's done everything" , so he buys a big picture of a zebra and hangs it above the fireplace, the horse arrives and says "lovely place you have here and who's that in the picture on the wall", donkey replies " thats me when I played for Juventus !
Click to expand...
That is the best joke that has been posted on Bluemoon for a long time. Sat here pmsl.
 
A man walks past an ice cream shop that advertises every flavour ice cream In the world
Bullshit thinks the man and walks in
Okay give me vagina flavour ice-cream please
No problems sir replied the assistant giving the man three scopes of ice cream in a cone
That doesn't taste like vagina ice cream it tastes like shit says the man grimacing
The assistant says of course it does try taking shorter licks
 
Teacher: Maria, please go to the map and find America.
Maria: Here it is.
Teacher: Correct. Now, class, tell me who discovered America?
Class: Maria.

Teacher: What do you call a person who carries on talking when you are no longer interested?
Johnny: A teacher.
 
It was 1962 . Mike goes to pick up his date, Molly.

Molly’s father Samuel opens the door and invites him in.

He asks to Mike what they’re planning to do on the date.

Mike politely responds that they’ll probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Molly’s father suggests, “Why don’t you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it.”

Mike was bewildered. “Excuse me, sir?”

“Oh yes, Molly really likes to screw. She’ll screw all night if we let her.”

Molly comes downstairs and announces that she’s ready to go.

About 15 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Molly rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and shouts at her father, “Dad! The Twist! It’s called the Twist!"
 
A man was leaving a cafe when he noticed an unusual funeral.
A funeral Coffin was followed by a second one. Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog.
Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single line.
The man couldn't stand his curiosity. He approached the man walking with the dog, "I am so sorry to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is it?"
The man replied, "That first coffin is for my wife."
"What happened to her?"
"My dog attacked and killed her."
"Well, who is in the second coffin?"
My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also."
A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.
Then the man asks in excitement, "Can I borrow the dog?"
The man replied, "Join the queue.
 
talkativesprout said:
A man was leaving a cafe when he noticed an unusual funeral.
A funeral Coffin was followed by a second one. Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog.
Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single line.
The man couldn't stand his curiosity. He approached the man walking with the dog, "I am so sorry to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is it?"
The man replied, "That first coffin is for my wife."
"What happened to her?"
"My dog attacked and killed her."
"Well, who is in the second coffin?"
My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also."
A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.
Then the man asks in excitement, "Can I borrow the dog?"
The man replied, "Join the queue.
Click to expand...
Lol
 
I woke up in the hospital badly beaten up, the doctor asked me what the last thing was I remembered. I said I was sat on the couch when the wife said she'd bagged up a couple of bags full of clothes for me to take to the charity shop. I said I couldn't be bothered and would just stick them in the bin. she then admonished me about people starving in the world and that they were to go to the charity shop. I said "listen love, if they fit into your clothes they ain't starving"
 
A woman walks into a BMW Dealers. She browses around, spots the Top-of-the-range Beemer and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she mistakenly breaks wind.

She felt very ashamed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a salesman doesn’t pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare comes true in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool like Johnny Depp and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady With, “Good day, Madame. How may I help you today?” Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her accident, she asks, “Sir, what is the price of this lovely car?”

Salesman answers, “Madam, if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit yourself when I tell you the price."
 
jimharri said:
A woman walks into a BMW Dealers. She browses around, spots the Top-of-the-range Beemer and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she mistakenly breaks wind.

She felt very ashamed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a salesman doesn’t pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare comes true in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool like Johnny Depp and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady With, “Good day, Madame. How may I help you today?” Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her accident, she asks, “Sir, what is the price of this lovely car?”

Salesman answers, “Madam, if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit yourself when I tell you the price."
Click to expand...

That's appalling and funny in equal measure
 
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