Joke thread

[TheBlueDune]

I got in a load of trouble at the farm recently with my German boss.
Turned out he wanted me to order 30 sows and pigs, not 30,000 pigs.....

 

[TheBlueDune]

Bride on her wedding night says to her hubby
"I must confess I was once a hooker"

Hubby responds
"That's ok, your past is your past but I must admit I find it quite erotic, tell me more about it"

She says "Well my name was Dave and I played for Wigan Warriors"

 

[Ifwecouldjust.......]

I went into a book store and asked the assistant 'Wheres the Self Help section?'


She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose

 

[talkativesprout]

Just seen my mate One Armed Dave, I said eh Dave where are you going and He said i'm off to change a light bulb. Given his disability i said that will be a bit of a struggle wont it hee hee...Not really you insensitive **** he said, i still have the receipt....

 

[MellowJoe]

Our dog doesn't have any legs. He's called Woodbine. I take him out for a drag every night.

The managing director of Dulux has been been found dead on the streets, frozen to death. Experts say he needed another coat.

 

[BackofJeanette]

Bloke comes home early and finds his mate shagging his wife, so he stabbed the fucker to death.
Wife says " carry on like that and you'll have no mates left!"

 

[PannickAtTheDisco]

Our dog doesn't have any legs. He's called Woodbine. I take him out for a drag every night.

The managing director of Dulux has been been found dead on the streets, frozen to death. Experts say he needed another coat.

such cruelty to animals, you have no soul.

 

[Trautmann's Chiropractor]

A depressed man walks into a bar and notices a bottle of vodka dancing away and having a great time in the corner. He walks over to the barman and asks glumly “why is that bottle of vodka so happy?” The barman tells him the bottle comes in to dance every night and is always happy. The depressed man responds “maybe I can take a page out of his book, give me two of whatever he’s drinking.”

“Aye, that’s the spirit.”

 

[dronefromsector7G]

I guessed toffee but it was peanut. I said orange but it was honeycomb.

I was wrong on so many Revels.

 

[MellowJoe]

To anyone who needs a drummer for their band.. count me in.

I bought the world's worst thesaurus today. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.

A limbo champion walks into a bar.. he was disqualified.

I was at a job interview the other day and the guy said to me, "I'm going to ask you three questions and I want you to give me three quick fire answers." So he said, "First question, how old are you?", I said "Quick fire."

 

[manchester blue]

I guessed toffee but it was peanut. I said orange but it was honeycomb.

I was wrong on so many Revels.

Reminds me of; I had sex with a Chinese girl in a lift. i realise I was fucking Wong on so many levels.

 

[oakiecokie]

I guessed toffee but it was peanut. I said orange but it was honeycomb.

I was wrong on so many Revels.

Is that a Chinese joke ?

 

[dronefromsector7G]

Is that a Chinese joke ?

Looks English to me :-)

 

[Robinho's Subbuteo]

A rather overweight woman is walking past a pet shop. Outside is a parrot in a cage. The parrot says "Oiii!" and the woman says "What?", "You fucking big fat ugly bitch" replies the parrot. Obviously insulted by this, the woman storms off down the street.

The next day, she's walking past the parrot outside the pet shop and again it shouts "Oiii!" to which the woman replies "What?" again. "You fucking big fat ugly bitch" replies the parrot and again the woman storms off.

On the third day, the woman is passing the pet shop again and once again the parrot shouts "Oiii!", the woman says "What?" and the parrot replies "You fucking big fat ugly bitch". This time, the woman has had quite enough and enters the pet shop, tells the owner what the parrot has been calling her and that if it does the same again the next day, she'll go the police. The pet shop owner reassures her that he'll sort it out.

The following day the woman is once again walking past the parrot when it shouts "Oiii!", the woman replies "What!!!?" and the parrot replies .... "You fucking KNOW what!"

 

[malg]

A rather overweight woman is walking past a pet shop. Outside is a parrot in a cage. The parrot says "Oiii!" and the woman says "What?", "You fucking big fat ugly bitch" replies the parrot. Obviously insulted by this, the woman storms off down the street.

The next day, she's walking past the parrot outside the pet shop and again it shouts "Oiii!" to which the woman replies "What?" again. "You fucking big fat ugly bitch" replies the parrot and again the woman storms off.

On the third day, the woman is passing the pet shop again and once again the parrot shouts "Oiii!", the woman says "What?" and the parrot replies "You fucking big fat ugly bitch". This time, the woman has had quite enough and enters the pet shop, tells the owner what the parrot has been calling her and that if it does the same again the next day, she'll go the police. The pet shop owner reassures her that he'll sort it out.

The following day the woman is once again walking past the parrot when it shouts "Oiii!", the woman replies "What!!!?" and the parrot replies .... "You fucking KNOW what!"

By far and away the best one I've read on here. Brilliant that....in fact, it deserves a gif....

 

[Joe Pineapple]

A guy walks in to a pet shop looking to buy a parrot.
The only one in the shop has an enormous beak.
He asks the pet shop owner why it's beak is so long.
The owner replies, "It needs to have it's beak filed down every month because it tends to grow rather fast."
The guy makes a deal with the owner and he buys the parrot.
As he's leaving the shop, the owner says to him, "When you file the beak down, be sure you don't go beyond the nose holes, or he will drown when he drinks."
Bearing this in mind, the guy goes into a hardware shop to buy a file.
The hardware shop owner remarks to him, after showing him where the files are, "If you're gonna file the parrots beak down, make sure you don't file below the nose holes, otherwise he'll drown when he drinks."
"How do YOU know that?", asks the guy.
"It's common knowledge." replies the hardware shop owner. The guy thanks him for his advice, buys a file, and heads off home.
A couple of weeks later the guy is once again in the hardware shop, and the owner recognises him.
"Hey. How's your parrot?!
The guy replies sadly,
"He's dead."
"Oh. Sorry to hear that. Did you file too much of his beak off and he drowned?"

"No." replied the guy. "His head got crushed in the vice."

 

[remember arthur mann]

By far and away the best one I've read on here. Brilliant that....in fact, it deserves a gif....

Kinnel ! Mark Goldbridge.

 

[taleofbluehalves]

I’m writing a song about getting my door lock replaced. There’s a key change at the end.

 

[Chippy_boy]

By far and away the best one I've read on here. Brilliant that....in fact, it deserves a gif....

Doesn't do it for me, I'm afraid. I prefer the duck one:

A duck walks into a bike shop and asks the owner "Have you got any beer?"

"Sorry," says the owner, "it's a bike shop, we've only sell bicycles"

"OK," says the duck and leaves.

Five minutes later the duck walks back in and asks the owner "Have you got any beer?"

"Er..., no" says the owner, "as I said, it's a bike shop and we only sell bicycles"

"Right-o" says the duck and leaves.

After another five minutes the duck walks back in and asks the owner "Have you got any beer?"

"Look" snarls the owner, "This is a bike shop. We only sell bicycles. Ask one more time and I'll nail your fucking beak to the counter!"

"I was only asking" says the duck and leaves.

Another five minutes pass and the duck walks back in and asks the owner "Have you got any nails?"

"No," replies the owner.

"Right then, have you got any beer?"

 

[malg]

Doesn't do it for me, I'm afraid. I prefer the duck one:

A duck walks into a bike shop and asks the owner "Have you got any beer?"

"Sorry," says the owner, "it's a bike shop, we've only sell bicycles"

"OK," says the duck and leaves.

Five minutes later the duck walks back in and asks the owner "Have you got any beer?"

"Er..., no" says the owner, "as I said, it's a bike shop and we only sell bicycles"

"Right-o" says the duck and leaves.

After another five minutes the duck walks back in and asks the owner "Have you got any beer?"

"Look" snarls the owner, "This is a bike shop. We only sell bicycles. Ask one more time and I'll nail your fucking beak to the counter!"

"I was only asking" says the duck and leaves.

Another five minutes pass and the duck walks back in and asks the owner "Have you got any nails?"

"No," replies the owner.

"Right then, have you got any beer?"

Hahaha.....that's quite good as well.