Joke thread

[Lavinda Past]

I found a classical composer crouched down in the corner of our wardrobe.

When I asked him what he was doing there, he whispered: "Shhh, I'm Haydn!"

 

[bluemoon32]

 

[blue44]

 

[Blue Llama]

View attachment 126428

That's too bloody true to be funny

 

[sir baconface]

Sage advice by sir ‘eunuch’ baconface there.

Hahaha. I read this aloud in a high pitched voice.

 

[balotellishaircut]

I hate it when you’ve typed the wrong word but it’s too late as you’ve already sent the text.

I just text my mate saying “Do you wanna go for a wank down by the river”


I meant the canal.

 

[balotellishaircut]

A lad on holiday in Barbados texts him mate and says “ The weather over here is just like your Mum, 38 and f..king hot.

His mate texts him back and says “The weather over here is just like your sister, 18 and soaking wet.

 

[Lavinda Past]

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were without tickets for the opening ceremony of the Summer Olympics, but hoped to be able to talk their way in at the gate.

Security was very tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a stern refusal.

While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman came upon a construction site, which gave him an idea. Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and said, “Johnson, the pole vault,” and was admitted.

The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the site. When he came up with a sledge hammer, he presented himself at the gate and said, “McTavish, the hammer.” He was also admitted.

The Irishman combed the site for an hour and was nearly ready to give up, when he spotted his ticket in. Seizing a roll of barbed wire, he presented himself at the gate and announced, “O'Sullivan, fencing.”

 

[Lavinda Past]

Four friends reunite 30 years after leaving school

One friend goes to the restroom while the other three start discussing the success of their sons.

Friend 1 says his son studied economics, became a banker, and is so wealthy he gave his best friend a Ferrari.

Friend 2 says his son became a pilot, started his own airline, and is so wealthy he gave his best friend a jet.

Friend 3 says his son became an engineer, founded his own development company, and is so wealthy he built his best friend a castle.

Friend 4 returns from the restroom and asks what they're talking about.

They tell him they are discussing the success of their sons and ask about his son.

He says his son is gay and works as a stripper at a gay bar.

The other three express their disappointment, assuming he must be unhappy with his son's lack of success.

"Oh no!" the father replies, "He's doing quite well. Last week, for his birthday, he received a Ferrari, a jet, and a castle from three of his boyfriends..."

 

[Lavinda Past]

I saw a strip club across the street from a mini golf course and finally realised society has gone too far...

... I mean, what if you are having a nice day out with the family, making memories, and you look across the street and have to see a bunch of tossers playing mini golf...