Joke thread

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were without tickets for the opening ceremony of the Summer Olympics, but hoped to be able to talk their way in at the gate.

Security was very tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a stern refusal.

While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman came upon a construction site, which gave him an idea. Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and said, “Johnson, the pole vault,” and was admitted.

The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the site. When he came up with a sledge hammer, he presented himself at the gate and said, “McTavish, the hammer.” He was also admitted.

The Irishman combed the site for an hour and was nearly ready to give up, when he spotted his ticket in. Seizing a roll of barbed wire, he presented himself at the gate and announced, “O'Sullivan, fencing.”
 
Four friends reunite 30 years after leaving school

One friend goes to the restroom while the other three start discussing the success of their sons.

Friend 1 says his son studied economics, became a banker, and is so wealthy he gave his best friend a Ferrari.

Friend 2 says his son became a pilot, started his own airline, and is so wealthy he gave his best friend a jet.

Friend 3 says his son became an engineer, founded his own development company, and is so wealthy he built his best friend a castle.

Friend 4 returns from the restroom and asks what they're talking about.

They tell him they are discussing the success of their sons and ask about his son.

He says his son is gay and works as a stripper at a gay bar.

The other three express their disappointment, assuming he must be unhappy with his son's lack of success.

"Oh no!" the father replies, "He's doing quite well. Last week, for his birthday, he received a Ferrari, a jet, and a castle from three of his boyfriends..."
 
A woman (W) is asking psychologist (P) for advice about her sex life…

W: “Doctor, I have a serious problem. Whenever I go on a first date, it always ends up with me having sex with the guy the same night. I just can’t say No. Then I feel like an old slag, and it really weighs heavily on me. Can you help?”

P: “Yes, of course. I’m going to put you under hypnosis, and when you come out of it, you’ll be able to say No.”

W: “Saying No isn't actually the problem. I just need you to do something so I don’t feel like an old slag afterwards.”
 

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