Joke thread

[jimharri]

A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.

At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope - containing £10 in 50p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account.

At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.

'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier.

The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.'

'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the house again next week?'

The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:

'I think so. Provided those wankers at Wickes deliver the fucking bricks on time.'

 

[JoeMercer'sWay]

A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.

At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope - containing £10 in 50p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account.

At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.

'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier.

The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.'

'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the house again next week?'

The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:

'I think so. Provided those wankers at Wickes deliver the fucking bricks on time.'

I'm glad it ended that way.

 

[Damocles]

People say that United's success is just a result of time and money.

This means:

United = time x money

But as everybody knows, time equals money so:

United = money x money 
or 
United = money²

It is also said thought that money is the root of all evil. Therefore:

United = evil

Red Devils nickname a coincidence? I think not.

 

[steviemc]

David Cameron pledges millions of pounds in aid to Manchester United as David Moyes states "the hunger is there..."

 

[foetus]

A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.

At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope - containing £10 in 50p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account.

At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.

'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier.

The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.'

'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the house again next week?'

The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:

'I think so. Provided those wankers at Wickes deliver the fucking bricks on time.'

haha I liked that.

 

[BELLENDER]

I thought I'd volunteer at a self-harm support group.
It was all going so well until I said I was going for a slash.<br /><br />-- Fri Feb 14, 2014 9:41 am --<br /><br />See he's changed his fookin tune again.

Spoiler

The ice cream man

 

[Brisblu]

A Policeman in London, England pulled over a driver who had been weaving in and out of the traffic.

He approached the car window and said "Sir I need you to blow into this breathalyzer".

The man reaches into his pocket and produces a doctor's note.

On it was written: "This man suffers from chronic asthma. Do not make him perform any action that may leave him short of breath".

The policeman said "Okay then I need you to come and give a blood sample"

The man produced another letter.

This one said: "This man is a haemohphiliac.. Please do not cause him to bleed in any way".

So the officer said: "Right, I need a urine sample then".

The man produces a third letter from his pocket.

It read: "This is a Man Utd season ticket holder , please don't take the piss out of him"

 

[chris85mcfc]

Apologies in advance...

A chicken came up to me upset the other day, he said someone had stolen his eggs.

I said lets not jump to conclusions, are you sure you've not mislaid them.

 

[Tourist since 1971]

Apologies in advance...

A chicken came up to me upset the other day, he said someone had stolen his eggs.

I said lets not jump to conclusions, are you sure you've not mislaid them.

His?

 

[masum]

A group of young women decided to arrange for a camp with their
mothers-in-laws to hopefully get to know and understand each other
better since relations between them were very sour.

Two buses were hired, one for the mothers-in-law and the other for the
daughters-in-law.

Unfortunately the bus the mothers-in-law were travelling in was
involved in an accident and all the passengers died on the spot.

The daughters in law (women being women) shed a few tears but they were
all puzzled by one woman who wailed uncontrollably for what they
perceived to be her loss.

Her friend asked her, "Forgive me for asking but why are you crying so
hard, I didn't realize you were so close to your mother-in-law?"

To which she replied,
"No we are not close at all, she missed the bus!


- - - Updated - - -


A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”

“Of course my child. What may I do for you?”

“Well, I bought an expensive woman’s electronic hair dryer for my mother’s birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it.

Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?”

The priest answered: “I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.”

“With your honest face, Father, no one will question you”

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”

“From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.”

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”

“I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.”

Roaring with laughter, the official said, “Go ahead, Father. Next!”