Joke thread

There's this guy who's in the market for a used motorcycle. Always wanted a nice big hog. So he's shopping around, answering ads in the newspaper,and not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic harley with a "for sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquires about it with the owner: "This bike is beautiful!! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape."
"Well," says the seller, "it's pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my tube of vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it." and he hands the buyer a tube of vaseline.

So the guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic (being a harley fan). That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents house. See, it's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm.

"Honey," she says," I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem," he says. And in they go. The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, a huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he reaches over, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make it on the dinner table. Of course no one says a word.

"Her Mum's gotta good bod...", he thinks. So he grabs his girlfriend's Mum and ravishes her right there on the dinner table. Again, no one says a word. Then, the boyfriend notices it starting to rain, he better take care of the motorcycle. He pulls the vaseline from his pocket. The father stands up and shouts:

"All right, I'll do the fucking dishes!!"
 
There was this guy who went abroad to buy a dog. It was a rare breed and he had to go through a lot to get it. Even though it was small, it was a breed known for being protective and watchful.

So he goes, buys the dog from the breeder, and gets on a ship to come back to the States. There is a really bad storm and the ship is thrown off course. They end up in some tropical waters eventually, but the damage to the ship was too much and it sinks.

As the ship was sinking, he grabs the dog and a few pieces of wood, but he is pretty bruised and as the ship goes under he gets knocked on the head and passes out, holding a piece of debris and the dog but unconscious.

He eventually wakes up and looks around and realizes he is in sight of land. The dog is still with him and he starts to lamely paddle. They eventually wash up on the shore and lay there for a minute before they start exploring.

Days go by, then months. They set up camp and live their life, this guy and his dog. Every day the guy goes a little farther inland to try to see if there are any people around, but he never sees anyone - just birds and small animals.

So they eat what they can pick, catch or kill, living off the land and it isn't to bad. Guy and Dog.

One day, as they were making their way inland, all of the sudden the trees open up and they come on a clearing. This is the farthest in they had ever come, and he was surprised to find a small flock of sheep grazing in the tropical sun. He thinks that there MUST be folks around if he is seeing sheep, but he looks and looks and never finds another human being.

So he gives up on finding anyone around, the sun is starting to set, and he wants to go back to camp before nightfall, but his dog has run off. He then looks at the flock of sheep and has an idea.

Now, he isn't the kind of guy who gets into animals, but he is LONELY. The feel of a woman a memory months gone and he suddenly feels urgently desperate. So he finds a female sheep, drops his trousers, and is about to do the deed when all of the sudden the dog comes tearing through the underbrush like crazy BARKING BARKING BARKING. Just nuts this dog is. So he gives up, pulls his pants back up, and takes the dog back to camp.

He tries this a couple more times and each time the dog is crazier than the last - barking and circling around him while he is standing there with his pants around his ankles - so he begins to give up on the idea.

He wakes up really early one morning and looks over - the dog is still asleep. He realizes if he ever had a chance, this is probably it. So he very quietly gets up and sneaks off to the clearing.

He finds his sheep, drops his trousers and BARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARK
So he sighs and gives up. They go on as they did before, each time going more inland, but he doesn't try the sheep business again. He never finds another person and resigns himself to his loneliness - at least he has the dog for company.

One day, a few months later, he and the dog were walking down the beach to fish a bit when he sees something off in the distance. DEBRIS! Debris means people! So he picks up his pace and when he gets to the pile he can't believe his eyes! In front of him is an unconscious, beautiful, naked woman covered in seaweed and next to the log she floated on. He is dumbstruck.

He pulls her up and revives her. He brushes the long hair out of her face and looks into her eyes as she comes back to life. She is weak, but appreciative - She reaches up and returns his look, putting her hand on his cheek, and says: "You have saved me...cough cough... you saved my life! I don't know how I can repay you.... I would do anything for you...(she holds his gaze)...Anything..."

The guy looks into her eyes and says...


"Well, if you wouldn't mind holding my dog for about 15 minutes I would be right grateful...
 
A man and his heavily pregnant wife are walking through the park. By the side of the path, they see a large, steaming dog turd. The wife stops.
'What is it?' her husband asks.
'I don't know why,' she says, 'but I've got a real craving to just eat that dog shit straight off the ground.' He laughs nervously. She stares at him.
'You're... serious?' he says.
'Yes. I don't know what it is, I just really want to. I'm going to do it.' She starts to bend down and he puts a hand on her shoulder.
'Whoa, hang on, hang on. You're not going to do this. I can't believe you're serious.' She glares at him.
'My body knows what it needs. If I'm craving it, there must be a good reason.' Seeing that she means it, the man decides to humour her.
'Okay, okay,' he says. 'We'll take it home and cook it and then you can eat it. I'm not having you eating dog shit off the ground.' So he picks it up in his handkerchief, wraps it tightly and puts it in his coat pocket.
As they walk home, he tries to distract her. He points out a red squirrel. He talks about space exploration. He pretends to forget her middle name. But as soon as the front door closes, she turns to him.
'Where's that dog shit? I really want to eat it. I've been thinking about it all the way home.' He frowns.
'I thought maybe you'd go off the idea,' he says. 'You still want to do this?'
'Look,' she says. 'How many times have you been pregnant?'
'Sweetheart...'
'How many times?' He sighs.
'None.'
'None. Exactly. So you don't know what it's like. You have to be in tune with your body. If I'm craving something, that means that the baby needs it. This is for the wellbeing of our child. Do you understand?'
'I just think...'
'Do you understand?'
'...Yes.'
So he goes into the kitchen and unwraps his handkerchief. The turd sits there, fat and glistening. The smell of it makes him gag.
'How do you want this done?' he calls through to the front room.
'It's up to you,' his wife shouts back. 'Just make it quick. I really want it.' So, he dusts a chopping board with flour and puts the turd in the middle. He starts to roll it, coating the outside. He adds paprika, cumin, pepper - anything to mask the smell. When it's covered in flour and spices, he heats some oil in a pan, adds garlic and drops the turd in. As soon as it hits the heat, a disgusting stench fills the kitchen. It's all he can do not to throw up.
'Smells good,' his wife shouts from the next room. He rolls the turd over in the pan. It sizzles. After a few minutes with his hand over his nose, he decides it's done and slides it out of the pan and onto the centre of a plate. It sits there gleaming like a huge dead slug. He carries it through to his wife and sits down at the table opposite her.
'Listen,' he says. 'I know you're dead set on doing this, but I'm asking you - I'm pleading with you - please don't. I don't think you know what you're doing. Please, darling, don't do this.' She stares at him across the table for a moment. Then, with barely suppressed rage in her voice, she says:
'Listen. I know that this is what our child - our unborn child - needs. That may not mean a lot to you, but it means a hell of a lot to me. So I'm going to eat this dog shit whether you think it's a good idea or not. Because you know what? This isn't your decision to make.' They stare at one another for a few seconds. Then he nods.
'Okay,' he says. 'I... I understand.'
'Thank you,' she says.
He sets out a knife, a fork, a glass of water and the plate in front of her. By now, the smell has filled the whole house. She picks up the knife, picks up the fork and stares at the turd. A flicker of concern passes across her face. She hesitates.
'What if...' she says. 'What if it makes me ill?' Her husband says nothing. 'I mean, I know I want it, but what if it makes our baby ill?' She looks up at him. 'You need to try it.' It takes him a moment to register what she's said.
'What?'
'You need to try it. To make sure it's okay. Please. For our child?'
'I...' He looks at her. He looks at the knife and the fork and the plate and the turd. 'I...' He thinks of all they've been through together, all they've got to look forward to. He thinks of his baby girl. He doesn't know it's a girl, but he can feel it, he can just tell. 'I...' And the turd, lying in the centre of the pristine white plate. He takes a deep breath. 'Okay. Yeah, I'll do it. For you. For us. All three of us.'
She pushes the plate towards him. He picks up the knife, the fork. Carefully, tentatively, he cuts a slice off the end of the turd. As he cuts into it, the stench hits him again. He gags and nearly cries. He spears the slice on the end of the fork and lifts it to his mouth. In the moment before he takes it, he makes eye contact with his wife. Then he closes his eyes and pushes the slice of turd into his mouth. He bites down on it and it covers his tongue. He clenches his jaw. Flecks of brown form at the corners of his mouth. There are tears rolling down his face. A surge of vomit rises into his throat and he swallows as hard as he can. It all goes down - the vomit, the turd, the tears. When his mouth is empty, he gasps like a diver surfacing for air. He grabs at the table to hold himself upright. He hacks and coughs, frantically trying to get rid of every trace of the flavour.
'How was it?' asks his wife. He gasps and wipes the tears from his eyes.
'That was... the single... most disgusting experience... of my life. The taste! Oh god, the taste! I thought the smell was bad, but once I tasted it, I just... In that moment, I wanted to die, just so wouldn't have to taste it any more. I felt like I was going to pass out, it was so bad.'
'Oh,' says his wife. 'Right.' She looks at the turd. She looks up at her husband, struggling for breath. She looks back at the turd. 'Well,' she says. 'I don't think I'll bother then.'
 
The other day I was in the kitchen. I lent over the pan and started stirring the food with my head.
My dad walked in and said "You'll never get a girlfriend if you behave like that!"
I said "I know, I'll always be a spatula."
 
TangerineSteve17 said:
The other day I was in the kitchen. I lent over the pan and started stirring the food with my head.
My dad walked in and said "You'll never get a girlfriend if you behave like that!"
I said "I know, I'll always be a spatula."

I lol'd
 
God was sitting on a cloud looking glum one day, and Jesus noticed, hopped over, and asked, "Father, what troubles you?"

God said, "My son, I sent you to earth only two thousand years ago, and look! Already, your message has been forgotten. Debauchery runs rampant, heathens and sodomites are praised and elected to office, and our names have become the punchlines of jokes! Why, I fear that if I sent you back to earth right now, you wouldn't even be recognized!"

Jesus replied, "I too am concerned about the short memory of our flock, but surely some would know who I am upon seeing me again. Listen - I will take a short trip to earth, find someone who recognizes me, and put your worries to rest."

So Jesus came down to earth and began walking the streets of the city. He came upon a little bakery, entered, and approached the baker.

"Baker," said Jesus, "Do you recognize me?"

The baker studied Jesus. "Oh dear," he said, "I'm afraid I don't."

"Really?" said Jesus. "You don't recognize me at all?"

"No, I can't say I do. Should I? Where would I know you from?"

Jesus sighed. "Nowhere," he replied, and walked out.

He then came upon a grocery, and strode towards the grocery.

"Grocer," said Jesus, feeling slightly tense. "Do you recognize me?"

The grocer gave Jesus a good look, and then shrugged. "Nope."

Jesus frowned, and then replied, "Are you sure?"

The grocer looked a bit embarrassed and offered, "Uh...wait. Maybe...Bob? Bob from Michigan?"

Jesus just shook his head, muttered, "No," and left.

The next place happened to be a bank. Jesus hesitated, but he was running out of options at this point and starting to get frustrated. He entered, went up to the banker, and said, "Banker, don't you recogni...."

The banker interrupted him, "Don't even start with me, buddy. I get that scam ten times a day."

Jesus stomped off. He was just starting to lose faith in humanity when he came upon his final stop - the workshop of the old Jewish cobbler.

He rolled his eyes, but told himself, "well, if there's one thing I've learned, it's that people are full of surprises." He strode in and approached the cobbler.

"Jewish cobbler," said Jesus. He sighed. "...Do you recognize me."

The cobbler looked up at Jesus. He squinted.

"Wait. Stand back," he asked Jesus.

Jesus obliged.

"No," said the cobbler, squinting again. "stand back a little farther, against the wall."

Jesus did, his hopes rising.

The cobbler stood up with his chin in his hand and studied Jesus for a minute.

"Now," said the cobbler. "Hold your arms out. Like this." He demonstrated.

Jesus held his arms out.

The cobbler nodded. "Now...just put your chin down..."

Jesus did.

And then the cobbler nailed Jesus to the wall and said, "Gotcha again, sucker!!!"
 
MelbourneBlue said:
TangerineSteve17 said:
The other day I was in the kitchen. I lent over the pan and started stirring the food with my head.
My dad walked in and said "You'll never get a girlfriend if you behave like that!"
I said "I know, I'll always be a spatula."

I lol'd

Yep, I lol'd too
 
A man received the following text from his neighbour:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night, when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Damn auto correct. I meant "wifi" not "wife."
 
pfazz said:
A man received the following text from his neighbour:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night, when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Damn auto correct. I meant "wifi" not "wife."


Sounds more plausible than Oscar Pistorius alibi !
 

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