Joke thread

pantalon violet said:
foetus said:
There was this guy who went abroad to buy a dog. It was a rare breed and he had to go through a lot to get it. Even though it was small, it was a breed known for being protective and watchful.

So he goes, buys the dog from the breeder, and gets on a ship to come back to the States. There is a really bad storm and the ship is thrown off course. They end up in some tropical waters eventually, but the damage to the ship was too much and it sinks.

As the ship was sinking, he grabs the dog and a few pieces of wood, but he is pretty bruised and as the ship goes under he gets knocked on the head and passes out, holding a piece of debris and the dog but unconscious.

He eventually wakes up and looks around and realizes he is in sight of land. The dog is still with him and he starts to lamely paddle. They eventually wash up on the shore and lay there for a minute before they start exploring.

Days go by, then months. They set up camp and live their life, this guy and his dog. Every day the guy goes a little farther inland to try to see if there are any people around, but he never sees anyone - just birds and small animals.

So they eat what they can pick, catch or kill, living off the land and it isn't to bad. Guy and Dog.

One day, as they were making their way inland, all of the sudden the trees open up and they come on a clearing. This is the farthest in they had ever come, and he was surprised to find a small flock of sheep grazing in the tropical sun. He thinks that there MUST be folks around if he is seeing sheep, but he looks and looks and never finds another human being.

So he gives up on finding anyone around, the sun is starting to set, and he wants to go back to camp before nightfall, but his dog has run off. He then looks at the flock of sheep and has an idea.

Now, he isn't the kind of guy who gets into animals, but he is LONELY. The feel of a woman a memory months gone and he suddenly feels urgently desperate. So he finds a female sheep, drops his trousers, and is about to do the deed when all of the sudden the dog comes tearing through the underbrush like crazy BARKING BARKING BARKING. Just nuts this dog is. So he gives up, pulls his pants back up, and takes the dog back to camp.

He tries this a couple more times and each time the dog is crazier than the last - barking and circling around him while he is standing there with his pants around his ankles - so he begins to give up on the idea.

He wakes up really early one morning and looks over - the dog is still asleep. He realizes if he ever had a chance, this is probably it. So he very quietly gets up and sneaks off to the clearing.

He finds his sheep, drops his trousers and BARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARK
So he sighs and gives up. They go on as they did before, each time going more inland, but he doesn't try the sheep business again. He never finds another person and resigns himself to his loneliness - at least he has the dog for company.

One day, a few months later, he and the dog were walking down the beach to fish a bit when he sees something off in the distance. DEBRIS! Debris means people! So he picks up his pace and when he gets to the pile he can't believe his eyes! In front of him is an unconscious, beautiful, naked woman covered in seaweed and next to the log she floated on. He is dumbstruck.

He pulls her up and revives her. He brushes the long hair out of her face and looks into her eyes as she comes back to life. She is weak, but appreciative - She reaches up and returns his look, putting her hand on his cheek, and says: "You have saved me...cough cough... you saved my life! I don't know how I can repay you.... I would do anything for you...(she holds his gaze)...Anything..."

The guy looks into her eyes and says...


"Well, if you wouldn't mind holding my dog for about 15 minutes I would be right grateful...
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im going to kill you
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Lol. I only read the cunts punchlines.

-- Tue Apr 08, 2014 11:58 pm --

Did you here about the leper that got kicked out of the colony for dipping his cookies in his brothers forehead?
 
TangerineSteve17 said:
They say being a hostage is a difficult - but I could do it with my hands tied behind my back.
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I'm the same when someone sees a blind **** and says to me "It must be so hard living your life without being able to see your loved ones etc let alone all the other things we take for granted"

I always hold my hand up to silence them and say

"Piece of piss, could do it with my eyes closed"
 
The Liverpool thread upstairs is one of the funniest things I've seen in ages. Sat here absolutely crying with laughter at some of it. Start at page 28:

<a class="postlink-local" href="http://forums.bluemoon-mcfc.co.uk/viewtopic.php?f=14&t=299785&start=270" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;">viewtopic.php?f=14&t=299785&start=270</a>
 
I was working in a library and this bloke came in and said "Have you got a bookmark?"
I said "We've got hundreds of them but my name is Tim"

I was working in a library and this bloke came in and said "Have you got a bookmark?"
I said "Yeah..War and Peace, 3 out of 10"

I was working in a library and this bloke came in and said "Have you got a bookmark?"
I said "See this bruise? Somebody hit me with a bible."

I was working in a library and this bloke came in and said "Have you got a bookmark?"
I said "As a qualified referee I feel Mark deserved his yellow card, so yes I've got to book Mark.




sorry
 
pantalon violet said:
TangerineSteve17 said:
I was working in a library and this bloke came in and said "Have you got a bookmark?"
I said "We've got hundreds of them but my name is Tim"

I was working in a library and this bloke came in and said "Have you got a bookmark?"
I said "Yeah..War and Peace, 3 out of 10"

I was working in a library and this bloke came in and said "Have you got a bookmark?"
I said "See this bruise? Somebody hit me with a bible."

I was working in a library and this bloke came in and said "Have you got a bookmark?"
I said "As a qualified referee I feel Mark deserved his yellow card, so yes I've got to book Mark.



sorry
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I'm glad you aplogised because I was getting in my car to hunt you down
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***tunes into loose women,unzips fly.... ****
 
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