Joke thread

[Blue_eyes]

Probs on here already, and if so ,my apologies, but here goes....... My wife and I holidayed in America and wanted to smuggle a skunk back to England as a pet.I suggested she stick it down her knickers as customs wouldnt look there. Dont be silly she said, what about the smell???? Dont worry I said, we can put tape on its nose.

 

[sir baconface]

The wife checked her husband's Hand Phone and found these names:
*The Tender one.*
*The Amazing one.*
*Lady of My Dreams.*
She got angry and called the first number to find out that was his Mother.
Then she called the second number on which his Sister replied.
When she dialed the third number, her own phone rang !!
She cried until her eyes got swollen because she had doubted her innocent husband.
So she gave him her whole month's salary to make up for it.

Husband took the money and bought a gift for his girlfriend whose name was saved as :
*Ah Seng Kedai motor.*
*PASS IT ALONG :*
Caution :
*ONLY TO MALE FRIENDS, PLEASE.*

so funny had to tell it again

Much better than when the last cnut told it.

 

[Sir peace frog]

Much better than when the last cnut told it.

has he been on to explain it ?

 

[Harrilew]

My grandparents were called Pearl and Dean.

Of course, we always knew them as Gran and Grandpapapapapapapapa........

 

[Barcon]

Two goldfish walk into a bar,

The barman says "Why the long faeces?"

Did they have bloat? Try Kanaplex

 

[roman totale]

A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre. So the barman gives her one.

 

[Ifwecouldjust.......]

 

[Big Swifty]

I was enjoying a walk in the park the other day when I saw an old man feeding the birds.

I don't know how long he'd been dead.

 

[sir baconface]

Those three little words...

...Ah Seng Kedai.

 

[BimboBob]

Had us howling last night.

 

[Fred_Quimby]

Had us howling last night.

Wonderful. That wins this years prize. No need to post anything else.

 

[Mancity1980]

Two nuns were sat in a car when a group of youths started laughing and throwing stones st their vehicle. Sister Mary turns to sister Teresa and says “this is disgraceful, do these young people not realised we are nuns? Show them your cross.” So sister Teresa sticks her head out of the window and shouts “Fu@k off you b@stards!!”

 

[BackofJeanette]

Gonna spoil it by explaining this alleged joke:

Basically, the husband has tricked his wife by putting numbers in his phone to catch her out and cover his back. So she would phone all the suspicious-looking ones but wouldn't suspect the car garage number that is really his bit on the side.

Feel free to laugh now.

I don't think it's really a joke, just more like common sense to me.
Like, always buy your wife the same perfume you buy your mistress!

 

[manclad]

I don't think it's really a joke, just more like common sense to me.
Like, always buy your wife the same perfume you buy your mistress!

What's a mistress?

Somebody who comes between a mister and a mattress !!

 

[Blue Mist]

I don't think it's really a joke, just more like common sense to me.
Like, always buy your wife the same perfume you buy your mistress!

I tried following that advice but had to ask my missus what perfume she wore, I asked if she was wearing that new fragrance cumtome. She said no so I said well it smells like cum to me.

 

[adelaideblue]

did you hear about the chameleon that didn't change colour - it had a reptile dysfunction..

 

[ChicagoBlue]

Donald Trump.

 

[ChicagoBlue]

Had us howling last night.

I’m long past the age where I literally blurt out laughing, so THANK YOU! I can still do it!

 

[ChicagoBlue]

Think its all of us

A) It doesn’t help that it is what looks like a Chinese garage name and not “Joe’s Garage”
B) It’s just not that funny

 

[NorCalBlue]

Donald Trump.

That joke isn't funny anymore...