Joke thread

After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough, as the social wouldn’t buy them a bigger bed and they weren’t strong enough to nick one.
The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn’t want to have any more children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Scouser said to the doctor, ‘I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don’t see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.’
‘Trust me, it will do the job’, said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count, ‘1, 2, 3, 4, 5,’ at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.
 
There was a man who had worked all his life, and still had his communion money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take it to the after life with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all of his money in the casket with him. Well, he died. He was stretched out in his casket (bargin basement economy selection in accordance with the will) ; his wife was sitting there in black, and her best friend was sitting right next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertaker got ready to close the casket, the wife yelled, "Hold on just a minute!"

She had a box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertaker locked the casket down and rolled it away.
Her astonished friend said, "You weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband, were you?"

The loyal wife replied, "Listen. I'm a Catholic, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

Aghast, the friend double-checked, "You really mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him?!”

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it."
 
I got into an embarrassing situation at a swingers' party last night.



I snuck up behind an older lady, started taking her from behind then looked up and suddenly realised that the guy at the other end of the spit roast,getting a blowjob, was my Dad.


I said, " After 30 years of marriage I can't believe you're being unfaithful to Mum."


He said, " I'm not."
 
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