Joke thread

Fiftyyearsandcounting said:
An art expert was strolling around a car boot sale. Checking a stall selling pictures, he was staggered to recognise an old master oil painting. With all his expertise, he knew without doubt it was an original. The art dealer's Holy Grail, to find a real treasure at a car boot sale.
He casually approached the guy running the stall.
"Are you the stall holder" he asks. "No said the man, just minding the store while he's having lunch, but the owner gave me a list if anyone was looking to buy". The art dealer can't believe his luck, a yokel left in charge. He enquires the cost of a random painting. The guy checks his notes,"That's a landscape by a local artist, sez 'ere 40 quid". The dealer points to a portrait painting. Again the guy checks his notes "That's by another local artist, sez 'ere 50 quid"
Finally, trying very hard to stay calm, he points to the old master, "That's a nice picture, it'll look good over the fireplace", how much?
Again the man checks his notes "That one is 8 million, it's by Rembrandt.
Click to expand...
That’s two posts in two consecutive pages that said the word “lunch”. Shame on Bluemoon!
 
CALLER:

Is this Gordon's Pizza?

GOOGLE:
No sir, it's Google Pizza.

CALLER:
I must have dialled a wrong number. Sorry.

GOOGLE:
No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.

CALLER:
OK. I would like to order a pizza.

GOOGLE:
Do you want your usual, sir?

CALLER:

My usual? You know me?

GOOGLE:

According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called
you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage,
pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.
CALLER:
OK! That’s what I want …

GOOGLE:

May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula,
sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?

CALLER:
What? I detest vegetable!.

GOOGLE:
Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

CALLER:
How the hell do you know!

GOOGLE:

Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical
records. We have the result of your medical tests for the last 7 years.

CALLER:

Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take already take
medication for my cholesterol.

GOOGLE: Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication
regularly. According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30
cholesterol tablets once, at greens pharmacy 4 months ago.

CALLER:
I bought more from another drugstore.

GOOGLE:
That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.

CALLER:
I paid in cash.

GOOGLE:
But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.

CALLER:
I have other sources of cash.

GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought
them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.

CALLER:
WHAT THE HELL!!!

GOOGLE:
I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention
of helping you.

CALLER:

Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter,
WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without internet,
cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me
or spy on me.

GOOGLE:
I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It
expired 6 weeks ago…
 
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counselling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a
tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.

On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet
needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife
to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up
and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I go fishing..
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Unread Posts

Don't have an account? Register now and see fewer ads!

SIGN UP
Back
Top