Joke thread

[jimharri]

For my next trick I will eat a percussion instrument in a bap/barm/muffin.

Drum roll please.

 

[dickie davies]

To which the Irish man replied...

It's a grand day so we decided to come here

 

[sir baconface]

An Englishman, Irish man and a Scotsman went to the beach.

Was the one with just a solitary testicle called Sandy Ball?

 

[jimharri]

It's a grand day so we decided to come here

..."to be sure..."

 

[manchester blue]

To which the Irish man replied...

To get to the other side.

 

[Dicko69]

I never thought of that one...


"We cannae tek it cap'n"
was the one I had in mind

You're probably right, might of been spock that said what I wrote. Not a fan of star trek, basing my knowledge on the star trekkin song by The Firm. Klingons on the starboard bow

 

[Baggins.mcfc]

2 dwarfs are sat in a pub having a beer, when 2 absolutely stunning girls walk in. To the amazement of the lads the girls come straight over to them and start coming on to them. Anyway before they know it the girls ask them to come home with them. Once home the girls waste no time and take the dwarfs straight into there bedrooms. Dwarf No.1 starts losing his bottle now, and can't get a hard on for love nor money. To make matters worse he can here is mate next door. 1 2 3 here i come arrrrghhh. Not wanting to miss out he asks the girl to go down on him to see if thet helps his nerves, but still no hard on. Then he here's his mate again, 1 2 3 here i come again arrrrgghhhhh. Red faced he gets dressed and fucks off home totally pissed off with his self. Anyway next night over another beer he tells his mate his embarrassing story. To which his mate says thats fuck all to bother about, l couldn't even get on the fucking bed.

 

[manclad]

It's life Jim, but not as we know it

Wasn’t that Bones the ship's doctor?

 

[DazWA9]

The wife brought home a tub of ice cream and asked me if I wanted some.

"How hard is it?" I asked and she cheekily replied "As hard as your cock when you think of me naked!"

I said "Go on then....pour me a glass!"

 

[purplenose]

Why are the Chinese shite at cricket?

Cos they eat all the bats.

 

[ganganvince]

I never thought of that one...


"We cannae tek it cap'n"
was the one I had in mind

 

[ray21]

Because of the coronavirus my brother who sells yachts has had to start working from home, now sales are through the roof.

 

[dickie davies]

 

[JRockBlues]

Now I'm off work and isolating I'm using the time to get back into a hobby I had back in the 80s. Glue sniffing.

Sounds worthwhile. You should stick with it this time.

 

[jimharri]

What did the buffalo say to his child when he was going off to school ?

Bison.

 

[JULES]

What did the buffalo say to his child when he was going off to school ?

Bison.

thats like the old black country joke;
whats the difference between a buffalo and a bison?
you cant wash yer hands in a buffalo

 

[jimharri]

My mate who has a bad stutter has died in prison.

He never got the chance to finish his sentence.

 

[Tuearts right boot]

thats like the old black country joke;
whats the difference between a buffalo and a bison?
you cant wash yer hands in a buffalo

Reminds me of the Noddy Holder in a gents outfitter joke......

 

[The perfect fumble]

Not so much a joke but it made me smile....

 

[1.618034]

Not so much a joke but it made me smile....

I hope they're going to do a Greatest Saves comp, so the lad in nets gets some glory!