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Joke thread
- Thread starter mrcunny
- Start date
Hamann Pineapple
Well-Known Member
My wife thinks it's seductive to bite her lip. I haven't the heart to tell her it's supposed to be the bottom one.
BillyBonds
Well-Known Member
Today I saw a man whose girlfriend is a midget. I thought "There's a paedophile that has found a loophole"
M
M
mat
Guest
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask
his advice on reviving her husband's libido.
'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.
'Not a chance', she said...'He won't even take an
aspirin.'
'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish
Viagra'...
'What is Irish Viagra?', she asked.
It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He
won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to
let me know how things went..'
It was a week later when she called the doctor, who
directly inquired as to her progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!
T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'
'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.
'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee
and the effect was almost immediate.
He jumped straight up, with a smile on his face, a twinkle in his eye and With one swoop of his arms, he sent me cups and saucers flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop!
T'was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'
'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex
your husband provided wasn't good?'
'Freakin' jaysus, it was the best sex I've had in 25 years!'
'But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show
me face in Costa Coffee again!!
his advice on reviving her husband's libido.
'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.
'Not a chance', she said...'He won't even take an
aspirin.'
'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish
Viagra'...
'What is Irish Viagra?', she asked.
It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He
won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to
let me know how things went..'
It was a week later when she called the doctor, who
directly inquired as to her progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!
T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'
'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.
'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee
and the effect was almost immediate.
He jumped straight up, with a smile on his face, a twinkle in his eye and With one swoop of his arms, he sent me cups and saucers flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop!
T'was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'
'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex
your husband provided wasn't good?'
'Freakin' jaysus, it was the best sex I've had in 25 years!'
'But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show
me face in Costa Coffee again!!
I went into hmv and the staff member said good morning I replied you too.ColinBellsjockstrap said:I went in to HMV and asked what they had by The Doors...
He said "a bucket of sand and a fire extinguisher"
He replied second aisle on the right
Richie
Well-Known Member
maccadon said:I went into hmv and the staff member said good morning I replied you too.ColinBellsjockstrap said:I went in to HMV and asked what they had by The Doors...
He said "a bucket of sand and a fire extinguisher"
He replied second aisle on the right
Need some winter shoes so I popped into Boots. They told me they don't sell shoes.
As it was lunchtime, I popped into Curry's but they told me they don't sell food,
I nearly got a punch on the nose off the woman in the Virgin Megastore!!
sir baconface
Well-Known Member
Thought for the day:
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky tits and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky tits and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
At the end of the tax year,
the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said,
"I notice you buy a lot of candles.
What do you do with the candle drippings?''
"Good question," noted the Rabbi.
"We save them up and send them back to the candle makers,
and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor,
somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.
But on he went, in his obnoxious way,
"What about all these biscuit purchases.
What do you do with the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi,
realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.
"We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers,
and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."
"I see," replied the auditor,
thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.
'Well, Rabbi,' he went on,
'what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?''
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi.
"What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office,
and about once a year they send us a complete prick"
the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said,
"I notice you buy a lot of candles.
What do you do with the candle drippings?''
"Good question," noted the Rabbi.
"We save them up and send them back to the candle makers,
and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor,
somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.
But on he went, in his obnoxious way,
"What about all these biscuit purchases.
What do you do with the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi,
realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.
"We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers,
and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."
"I see," replied the auditor,
thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.
'Well, Rabbi,' he went on,
'what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?''
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi.
"What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office,
and about once a year they send us a complete prick"
GHOST SEX
A professor at the Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal
Studies. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here
believe in ghosts?'
About 90 students raise their hands.
Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of
you think you have seen a ghost?' About 40 students raise their hands.
That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone
here ever talked to a ghost?' About 15 students raise their hand.
Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?' Three students raise their hands.
That's fantastic.
Now let me ask you one question further. Have any of
you ever made love to a ghost?'
Way in the back, John a Middle Eastern language student raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've
been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.
You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'
The Middle Eastern language student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to
make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, John, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'
John replied, "Shit, from back there I thought you said "Goats."
A professor at the Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal
Studies. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here
believe in ghosts?'
About 90 students raise their hands.
Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of
you think you have seen a ghost?' About 40 students raise their hands.
That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone
here ever talked to a ghost?' About 15 students raise their hand.
Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?' Three students raise their hands.
That's fantastic.
Now let me ask you one question further. Have any of
you ever made love to a ghost?'
Way in the back, John a Middle Eastern language student raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've
been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.
You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'
The Middle Eastern language student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to
make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, John, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'
John replied, "Shit, from back there I thought you said "Goats."