Joke thread

I went to a cracking Gig the other night, it was a charity do to raise funds for Syria.
This ISIS band came on dressed in Teddy Boy suits, and then blew themselves up, I think they were called Jihaddywaddy.
 
Due to Jessica Ennis wanting her name removed from the ground, Sheffield United have announced the stand will be renamed the 'Ched Evans One Night Stand'
 
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pen and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and jabbed her again. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pen. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT FUCKING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!!"
 
I've just been arrested outside a mosque.
Apparently I misunderstood it when I was told I need to expose myself to other cultures ...
 
More unfunnies.

I'm earning loads money in my new job collecting shopping trolleys...

quids in.

I bit into a Crunchie today and suddenly my mouth was full of sticky hair! Yuck! Some daft git at the Cadbury's factory obviously used the honeycomb.

Can the phrase 'I am not a Sesquipedalianist' ever possibly be used without irony?
 
TangerineSteve17 said:
More unfunnies.

I'm earning loads money in my new job collecting shopping trolleys...

quids in.

I bit into a Crunchie today and suddenly my mouth was full of sticky hair! Yuck! Some daft git at the Cadbury's factory obviously used the honeycomb.

Can the phrase 'I am not a Sesquipedalianist' ever possibly be used without irony?
Click to expand...

Love em
 
Alex the Blue said:
Love em
Click to expand...

Everyone's gonna think I've paid you to post that! Actually, wait a minute...this is the joke thread isn't it? :/

well played.


Seeing as though I'm here though

Been placing some ads lately:

Book for sale. "Procrastination For Beginners" £10, No time-wasters.

Possible cure for the blind for sale. £1000. First to see will buy.


Also I put one in the Manchester Evening News. I needed to get rid of a gigantic piece of boating fabric. The Ad read:

Salesman's Sailsman's Sail for sale, in Sale. (complete with ropes) Please NO TIER KICKERS.
 
A little girl asked her Mom,
"Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says,
"Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block?
I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."
Being old school he took a rag, soaked it with a little petrol, and
dabbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said,
"OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time
round the block."
The little girl left .....and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

The little girl said, "She ran out of petrol about halfway down the
block, so another dog is pushing her home."
 
A circus owner runs an advert for a ‘lion tamer wanted’ and two people show up.
One is a retired golfer in his late-sixties and the other is a drop-dead, gorgeous brunette with a killer body in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history."
"Here's your equipment -- a chair, a whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The gorgeous brunette says, "I'll go first."
She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage.
The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. As he gets close, the gorgeous brunette throws open her coat revealing her beautiful, perfect naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss every inch of her body for several minutes, then lays down and rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor!! He says, "That's amazing! I've never seen anything like that in my life!"
He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you do that?"
The tough old golfer replies, "Yeah, no problem...just get that fucking lion out of there first."
 
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