foetus
Well-Known Member
Where is the bit that I'm supposed to laugh?mrcunny said:
Joke thread
- Thread starter mrcunny
- Start date
foetus
Well-Known Member
The day finally arrived: Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, and Forest approaches the gatekeeper.
Saint Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it’s certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we’ve been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven."
Forrest responds, "It shore is good to be here Saint Peter. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exams. Shore hope the test ain’t too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."
Saint Peter goes on, "Yes, I know Forrest. But, the test I have for you is only three questions. Here is the first: What days of the week begin with the letter ‘T’? Second, how many seconds are there in a year? Third, what is God’s first name?"
Forrest goes away to think the questions over. He returns the next day and goes up to Saint Peter to try to answer the exam questions.
Saint Peter waves him up and asks, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."
Forrest says, "Well, the first one, -how many days of the week begin with the letter ‘T’?" "Shucks, that one’s easy; that’d be Today and Tomorrow!"
The saint’s eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest! That’s not what I was thinking, but ... you do have a point though, and I guess I didn’t specify, so I give you credit for that answer."
"How about the next one" says Saint Peter, "how many seconds in a year?"
"Now that one’s harder," says Forrest. "But, I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."
Astounded, Saint Peter says, "Twelve! Twelve! Forrest, how in Heaven’s name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forrest says, "Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second...."
"Hold it," interrupts Saint Peter. "I see where you’re going with it."
"And I guess I see your point, though that wasn’t quite what I had in mind.
I’ll give you credit for that one too."
"Let’s go on with the next and final question," says Saint Peter, "Can you tell me God’s first name?"
Forest says, "Well shore, I know God’s first name. Everybody probly knows It’s Howard."
"Howard?" asks Saint Peter. "What makes you think it’s ‘Howard’?"
Forest answers, "It’s in the prayer."
"The prayer?" asks Saint Peter, "Which prayer?"
"The Lord’s Prayer," responds Forest: "Our Father, Who art in Heaven, Howard be thy name..."
Saint Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it’s certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we’ve been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven."
Forrest responds, "It shore is good to be here Saint Peter. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exams. Shore hope the test ain’t too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."
Saint Peter goes on, "Yes, I know Forrest. But, the test I have for you is only three questions. Here is the first: What days of the week begin with the letter ‘T’? Second, how many seconds are there in a year? Third, what is God’s first name?"
Forrest goes away to think the questions over. He returns the next day and goes up to Saint Peter to try to answer the exam questions.
Saint Peter waves him up and asks, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."
Forrest says, "Well, the first one, -how many days of the week begin with the letter ‘T’?" "Shucks, that one’s easy; that’d be Today and Tomorrow!"
The saint’s eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest! That’s not what I was thinking, but ... you do have a point though, and I guess I didn’t specify, so I give you credit for that answer."
"How about the next one" says Saint Peter, "how many seconds in a year?"
"Now that one’s harder," says Forrest. "But, I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."
Astounded, Saint Peter says, "Twelve! Twelve! Forrest, how in Heaven’s name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forrest says, "Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second...."
"Hold it," interrupts Saint Peter. "I see where you’re going with it."
"And I guess I see your point, though that wasn’t quite what I had in mind.
I’ll give you credit for that one too."
"Let’s go on with the next and final question," says Saint Peter, "Can you tell me God’s first name?"
Forest says, "Well shore, I know God’s first name. Everybody probly knows It’s Howard."
"Howard?" asks Saint Peter. "What makes you think it’s ‘Howard’?"
Forest answers, "It’s in the prayer."
"The prayer?" asks Saint Peter, "Which prayer?"
"The Lord’s Prayer," responds Forest: "Our Father, Who art in Heaven, Howard be thy name..."
foetus
Well-Known Member
A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidently hit this rabbit and killed it."
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit.
Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved it’s paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 meters away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved and hopped down the road, another 50 meters, turned, waved and hopped another 50 meters. The man was astonished. He couldn’t figure out what substance could be in the woman’s spray can!!
He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What is in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."
Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidently hit this rabbit and killed it."
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit.
Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved it’s paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 meters away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved and hopped down the road, another 50 meters, turned, waved and hopped another 50 meters. The man was astonished. He couldn’t figure out what substance could be in the woman’s spray can!!
He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What is in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."
Bill Walker
Well-Known Member
foetus said:
fuckadedew foetus
and I thought I was bad
foetus
Well-Known Member
Bill Walker
Well-Known Member
[bigimg]https://encrypted-tbn1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRNeO0H-VpwZTzQ6hGYBcV2IdeMhRVivPb1ngeAIP92UoMCfvcC[/bigimg]
TangerineSteve17
Well-Known Member
These jokes are really funny..
I was in the Doctors awaiting some test results over some back pain I'd been having. I was called into the GP's office.
The doctor said "I'm sorry to say this, but you've got Acute Pancreatitis."
I said "Thanks, I like your hair. But what do you think is wrong with me?"
My apprentice Shoeshiner insisted on betting me £10 that he could polish his customer's shoes faster than I could polish mine.
Well, needless to say, I shown him a clean pair of heels I tell you.
I've got an interesting and incredibly well-paid new job. I won't go into too much detail but they call me Bukkake Bob. I'm earning loads!
Sorry I lied.
I was in the Doctors awaiting some test results over some back pain I'd been having. I was called into the GP's office.
The doctor said "I'm sorry to say this, but you've got Acute Pancreatitis."
I said "Thanks, I like your hair. But what do you think is wrong with me?"
My apprentice Shoeshiner insisted on betting me £10 that he could polish his customer's shoes faster than I could polish mine.
Well, needless to say, I shown him a clean pair of heels I tell you.
I've got an interesting and incredibly well-paid new job. I won't go into too much detail but they call me Bukkake Bob. I'm earning loads!
Sorry I lied.
Ancient Citizen
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- 26 Jul 2009
- Messages
- 15,711
That first one is a bastardisation of:-TangerineSteve17 said:
''I'm sorry, but your wife has acute angina.''
''Yeah, I know, not a bad set of tits as well.''
Dr Dave was very sad.
the voice of his conscience was berating him in his head
"you've slept with a patient again, you are an evil evil man"
but then he thought
"its not so bad, everyone does it, it will be fine, I'll just try not to do it again"
Slowly he calmed down, then his conscience piped up
"But Dave your a vet!"
the voice of his conscience was berating him in his head
"you've slept with a patient again, you are an evil evil man"
but then he thought
"its not so bad, everyone does it, it will be fine, I'll just try not to do it again"
Slowly he calmed down, then his conscience piped up
"But Dave your a vet!"