Joke thread

From another site:

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson and bragged that, despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night.
Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
After the show, Cilla says, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my 'ouse, we could 'ave a lorra, lorra fun."
So they went back to her place and got comfortable.
After a couple of drinks, they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.
Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand."
Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says, "Okay."
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before.
Then Sean says, 'Shilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to......."
"I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem, Hun."
Cilla complies with the routine. The results this time are absolutely mind-blowing.
Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks:
"Sean, tell me. Dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?"
Sean replies, "No, not at all, Shilla, but the last time I shlept with a scouser, the bitch stole ma wallet."
Click to expand...
 
The popes in New York going down 42nd street on his way to jfk airport for his flight back to rome, the Pope mobile breaks down so out he gets see’s a limousine in the distance so flags it down and asks the driver for a lift to the airport the driver agrees but..the Pope asks him to put his foot down, driver replies “ I can’t your reverence I got a ticket last week one more and I’m banned’ Pope says get in the back I’ll drive so off he speeds down 42 st only to be pulled up for speeding . The officer gets out of the patrol car and taps on the window.. the window comes down for him to see the Pope in the drivers seat , shit he thinks ...?? So he gets on the radio to his sarge down town and asks , sarge I’ve got a problem’ what’s up asked the sarge ? The officer replied “ I’ve just stopped someone for speeding but don’t know weather to issue a ticket or let him go ? sarge asks why ? Officer says he’s pretty important . so the sarge asked how important is he ? More than president trump ? More than the queen of England? the officer replies “ I don’t know but he’s got the Pope as a fucking chauffeur...
 
A guy goes into his local bank and says to the manager, "I'd like to borrow £100,000 to open a cheese factory in Cheshire. It's gonna be great."

" Hold on a minute", says the bank manager. "There's already a company called Cheshire Cheese - you're gonna have to come up with something better than that."

The guy comes back next week, and says, "Right I've got it. I want to borrow £200,000 to open a cheese factory in France. It's gonna be called Brie Cheese."

"I'm afraid that one's already there too," says the bank manager. "Brie Cheese is world famous, so I can't lend you the money for that."

In a last ditch attempt, the man comes back in the following week. "Right", says the man, "I've got it. I want to borrow £500,000 to open a cheese factory in Israel."

"Oh, now we're talking," says the bank manager. "What are you going to call it?"
The man smiles proudly and says, "Cheeses of Nazareth
 
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