Joke thread

[jimharri]

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his big book and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're assigned to hell."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.
Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of accommodations and starts some designing and building improvements.

After a while, they’ve got air-conditioning and flushing toilets, escalators, elevators and so on ... and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan on the telephone.

"So, how's it going down there in hell?" God says.

"Hey, things are going great. We've got air-conditioning and flushing toilets and escalators. There's no telling what our engineer is going to come up with next!" Satan says.

"What? You've got an engineer? That must be a mistake — he should have never gotten down there. Send him back immediately!" God says.

"No way! I like having an engineer on the staff — I'm keeping him!" Satan says.

"Send him back up here or I'll sue!" God says.

Satan laughs uproariously and answers:

"Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"



Thank you, thank you, thank you. I'm here all week.

 

[Tugay One Cup]

Why should you never buy second hand Russian underwear?

Because Chernobyl fallout.

 

[aguero93:20]

Why should you never buy second hand Russian underwear?

Because Chernobyl fallout.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chernobyl

 

[Tugay One Cup]

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chernobyl

Did actually write 'Ukranian' but too many syllables.
Plus let's not forget other surrounding countries were affected, we had two kids from Belarus living with us for 2 weeks. They ended up crossing out all the black player's faces on my posters in my bedroom. I guess they just didn't like SWP.

 

[bluebc]

I knew who a girl who was desperate for a boob implants but couldn't afford it, her uncle a joiner made her some out of pine, be good if there was a punchline wooden tit.

 

[bluebc]

I bought one of those false alarms earlier, well I thought I did.

 

[bluebc]

police are looking for a clothes thief, apparently he's stealing clothes in order of size, he's still at large

 

[bluebc]

I rang the gym the other day to see if they could teach me how to do the splits, they asked how flexible I was, told them I can't do Tuesdays.

 

[bluebc]

batman came up to me the other day and hit me over the head with a plate and said "t'pau" I asked don't you mean "kapow", he said no, I've got china in my hand

 

[bluebc]

My friends butler has no left arm, serves him right.