Joke thread

[Ancient Citizen]

Shagged a hot Milf the other day.
She was wetter than Stevie Wonder's toilet seat.

 

[Zuriblue]

Jesus walks into a restaurant and says to the waiter "Table for 26 please"

"But there are only 13 of you."

"Yes, but we are all going to sit on the same side."


I was at a panto recently which starred Katie Price. It was awful. Whenever the crowd shouted "He's behind you!" she just bent over and spread her legs apart.

 

[Zuriblue]

Young woman goes to the Drs for a check up.....
" Right now, big breaths "
" Yeth, and I'm only thixteen"




Cd's are available in the foyer after the show folks.

You mean 78's don't you?

 

[Tanzeylee]

You can tell how much a woman likes you by her feet.








If there behind her ears she really likes you.

 

[nalari]

Hate eating olives. It's the pits.

 

[taleofbluehalves]

Iv'e just bought a twenty foot horse, I'll let you know how I get on..

 

[taleofbluehalves]

A man running a little behind schedule arrives at a picture theatre, goes in to watch the movie that has already started, and as his eyes adjust to the darkness, he is surprised to see a dog sitting beside its master in the row ahead, intently watching the movie. It even seemed to be enjoying the movie: wagging its tail in the happy bits, drooping its ears at the sad bits, and hiding its eyes with its paws at the scary bits.

After the movie, the man approaches the dog's owner, "hey man, your dog really seemed to enjoy the movie. I'm amazed!"

"Yes, I'm amazed also," came the reply. "He hated the book.

 

[goalmole]

True story: I grew up in a rough area and I was the last to leave home. My parents were old and I knew my going would leave them vulnerable to the latest crop of shitheads on the estate.
My mother always had a thing with dogs. Her father was a professional greyhound trainer. I guess she got it from him. It's hard to explain it. My brother has it too. If there's a doggy equivalent of a gardener with green thumbs, that's what I'm talking about.
Anyway, I bought a Rottweiler before I moved out, knowing full well my mother would click with the creature and they'd have a bit of extra protection when I left them on their own.
One day, after I'd moved our, my mother was walking the dog. He was still a pup really, not even a year old. She passed some of the local scumbags, at the shops, and there were remarks made about the dog. Nothing complimentary, just the usual bullshit.
"Go on, so" said my mother, taking the dog off the leash.
The dog walked over and proceeded to take a long piss on the biggest loudmouth's leg. Your man did sweet fuck all except stand there.
My parents have both gone on to their eternal reward and so has Reuben, the dog. They never had any more trouble from the local shitheads.

I was waiting for the punchline there.

 

[mad4city]

Wasn't meant as a joke. It was posted as a response to something else.

 

[CTID1988]

How did the mathematician cure his constipation?

He worked it out with pencil