Joke thread

[LWashington]

A man starts dating a woman and she invites him to a fancy dress party at her house. Having never ever been to one, the man has no idea what to wear. He decides to ask the woman's young daughter what he should dress up as, in order to impress her mum.
She says "I think you should come nude and just pour four cans of strongbow over your head".
The man replies "That's stupid, why do you think I should do that ?"
The girl says "Well I overheard mummy talking to my Auntie on the phone last night and she said that the best fancy dress party she ever went too was at university, when the entire rugby team stripped naked and came in cider."

 

[MCFCTrick]

Poor taste I know, but even as a huge fan of the band, it made me laugh.

https://thehardtimes.net/culture/ly...s-killed-in-tragic-flight-simulator-accident/

 

[yeseye]

 

[Bill Walker]

Women are finally being allowed to join the SAS.

About time as well, there's no way those brave lads should be cooking their own meals!!..

 

[sir baconface]

If I had to describe myself in 3 words it would be “not very good at maths”.

 

[chrishull]

An Englishman Scotsman and Irishman in a pub talking about their sons.
The Englishman says "My son was born on St George's Day, so we named him George"
The Scotsman says "Well, my son was born on St Andrew's Day, we named him Andrew"
The Irishman says "I can't believe it fellas, just wait till I introduce you to our Pancake"

 

[sir baconface]

What do you call a girl who works in a sun bed shop?











Tanya.

 

[Barcon]

What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?

Full.

 

[LWashington]

An Englishman Scotsman and Irishman in a pub talking about their sons.
The Englishman says "My son was born on St George's Day, so we named him George"
The Scotsman says "Well, my son was born on St Andrew's Day, we named him Andrew"
The Irishman says "I can't believe it fellas, just wait till I introduce you to our Pancake"

Reminded me of this one.
On the first day of nursery the teacher is meeting with the parents and children.
The teacher says to one girl, "What's your name?"
"Penny" replies the girl.
"Your mum named you Penny because she's obsessed with money". says the teacher.
Then she sees two twins and asks "What's your names?"
"I'm Olive and this is my sister Peaches", says one of the twins.
"You mum gave you those names because she's addicted to food", says the teacher.
The teacher then looks at a little boy but before she can ask his name his mum says
"Come on Dick we're leaving".

 

[Deleted member 77198]

I was doing a crossword in the pub and said to Magicpole , "I'm stuck on one, trapped on a desert island, eight letters, starting with M." He said, "Marooned." I said, "Thanks, I'll have a pint of lager then!"

I went to Glasgow to see @Magicpole at his cake shop. I asked him “is that a custard or a meringue?” He said “no you’re not wrong, it’s a custard!”