Joke thread

[Fred_Quimby]

Oh yes.

 

[Two Gun Bob]

In an Irish grade school little Paddy was asked to use the word contagious in a sentence. Little Paddy says: "While I was driving down the road with me Dah we came across a woman painting a fence. Me Dah turned to me and said 'its gonna take that cont-ages to paint that fence!' "

 

[Two Gun Bob]

Teacher " give me an example of fascinate."
I have a donkey jacket I really think it's great. It's got nine buttons But I can only fascinate.

 

[Two Gun Bob]

Teacher: now give us a sentence containing 'defence', 'defeat' and 'detail'.
Why yes miss. ' De horse jumped over de fence, first de feet and den de tail.'

 

[dobingsdobber]

So would you be, if you’d just eaten the grandma!

It's the dentures wot causes it.

 

[Bill Walker]

 

[Big Swifty]

I've just had a pelican burger for dinner...

I enjoyed it but the bill was enormous.

I had roast parrot

I t was very tasty but it did keep repeating

 

[Big Swifty]

​

Little Red Riding Hood was skipping through the forest one day when she suddenly hears rustling in the bushes.

She pushes the branches and bushes aside and suddenly the big bad wolf is sitting in front of her.

"Oh, bad wolf. Why do you have such big red bulging eyes?"

"Fuck off I’m having a shit!”

This is unsubtle and rather vulgar.

For some reason I laughed myself silly over it. It is now going the rounds of my email contacts.

 

[Bill Walker]

 

[dickie davies]

 

[Bill Walker]

My mate has been really unwell so I went round to see him yesterday afternoon.

I took some DVDs and ready meals.

Fingers crossed he’s too ill to notice they’ve gone!!

 

[Uwe Already]

My wife is always trying to put me down - that’s the problem with marrying a vet!

 

[Bill Walker]

 

[balotellishaircut]

A couple of naked lesbians barged into my house today, and started wrestling my wife while she was in the bath, I wanted to help, but I could only knock one out.

 

[manclad]

A couple of naked lesbians barged into my house today, and started wrestling my wife while she was in the bath, I wanted to help, but I could only knock one out.

You will go blind if you keep practicing depravities like this.
Did your mother not warn you about it!!!

 

[dronefromsector7G]

A couple of naked lesbians barged into my house today, and started wrestling my wife while she was in the bath, I wanted to help, but I could only knock one out.

Reminds me of one I told on here a few years back :

I got attacked by four blokes the other night. I managed to knock one out.

Probably not the best time to have a wank, but i thought I might not get another chance.

 

[balotellishaircut]

Kylie Minogue, Elton John and Robbie Williams are walking along a street. Kylie trips, jamming her head in some railings.

Robbie quick as a flash, pulls down her knickers and shags her balls deep.

He turns to Elton and says “your turn” but Elton starts to cry.

“What’s wrong Elton? “ asks Robbie

Elton sobs “my head won’t fit through the railings”

 

[Bill Walker]

 

[Alan Harper's Tash]

My friend Jack Hughes just got a job as a prosecutor in France

 

[LWashington]

My friend Jack Hughes just got a job as a prosecutor in France

It took me far longer to get that than it should because of the masturbation jokes posted above it. I was thinking "Jack Huge what ? "