Joke thread

I tried abseiling once. I found it a bit of a let down



Some say leather gloves keep the rest of your body warm in winter........ I just think thats a mitt
 
The Reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small town church
in Ireland . One day he was walking down the High Street and he
noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub
drinking beer.
The Reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open
door of the pub and sat down next to the woman. 'Mrs
Fitzgerald,' he said sternly. 'This is no place for a member
of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?' 'Sure,'
she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.
When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave
back and forth.
The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and
grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost
their Balance and tumbled to the floor.
After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up
on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
The pub landlord looked over and said, 'Oi Mate, we won't have
any of that carrying on in this pub.'
The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, 'But you
don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps.' The landlord nodded and
said,
'Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish.'
One of the best I`ve heard in a long time.Very good CBj
 
Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a Guinness, downs it in one and asks for another. After 5 pints, all downed in one, the barman asks why he’s doing it “just had my first blow job” he replied “well done” said the barman “let me get you another to help celebrate” “no thanks” says the man, “if that didn’t get rid of the taste, another one isn’t going to help!”
And thats why I drink Guinness !!
 
Just got a new job at Chester Zoo! I'm going to be in charge of circumcising the elephants... The pay's not great, but the tips are enormous.
 
Keith and his wife are struggling financially, so they decide that
she'll try being a call girl.She's notquite sure what to do, so Keith says,
"Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him you charge £100. Any questions and I'll be parked around the corner."

She stands outside the bar for about five minutes showing her leg, when a
guy pulls up and asks "How much?" She says, "£100." He replies,
"All I've got is £30."

She says, "Hold on," and runs back to Keith and asks. "The bloke only has £30; what can he
get for that?"

"A hand job," Keith replied. She runs back and tell the guy all he gets for £30 is a hand job.

He agrees and she gets in the car. He unzips his trousers, and out pops this bloody
huge penis. She stares at it for a few seconds, then says. "I'll be right
back." She runs back to Keith.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

"Any chance you could lend this guy seventy Quid?"
 

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