Joke thread

[manchester blue]

I take it you haven't bothered reading the last few pages !!

The guy on the previous page tells it much better!!

 

[BlueMoonRisin’]

I've just been arrested going into a shop for indecent exposure.

The sign on the door said pull, so that I did.

 

[CrazyBlues]

A Chinese walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg.

As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.

Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbour, get outta here."

The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbour, it was the Japanese".

"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.

In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, "You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship."

Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."

The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."

 

[hammocity]

Fella walks into a bar and orders nine whiskey’s, he lines them up and drinks the first, third, fifth, seventh and ninth. He was just about to leave and the barman says, “are you leaving the other drinks”

Fella says “oh yes, I’ve been drinking far too much and the doctor said I should only have the odd drink now”.

 

[r.soleofsalford]

Fella walks into a bar and orders nine whiskey’s, he lines them up and drinks the first, third, fifth, seventh and ninth. He was just about to leave and the barman says, “are you leaving the other drinks”

Fella says “oh yes, I’ve been drinking far too much and the doctor said I should only have the odd drink now”.

 

[jimharri]

Fella walks into a bar and orders nine whiskey’s, he lines them up and drinks the first, third, fifth, seventh and ninth. He was just about to leave and the barman says, “are you leaving the other drinks”

Fella says “oh yes, I’ve been drinking far too much and the doctor said I should only have the odd drink now”.

And people criticise MY jokes?

 

[hammocity]

And people criticise MY jokes?

Ah ah, that was nicked off Soccer AM many years ago, think it was Whiteside.

 

[LWashington]

A man goes to his doctor because his arms and legs have turned cold and blue.
After a series of blood tests the doctor calls him back him and says "I've got some bad news. You have a rare viral, vascular disease, this is a new strain and it's the first recorded case we're naming it Blue235, you're estimated to have less than 24 hours to live."
That night the man thinks "Fuck It" and goes to his local working men's club for a final session.
He drinks heavily but in the meantime wins every game of bingo including the monthy jackpot. Then he has a quid in both the fruit machines and takes the jackpot from both.
The barman notices this and approaches the man and says "Wow your very lucky tonight!"
The man answers, "Lucky!, Lucky! I have fucking Blue235!"
The barman replies "Lucky **** you've only won the raffle aswell!!"

 

[Zuriblue]

"Dad, can you tell me what an eclipse is?"

"No, son."

 

[BackofJeanette]

One day I was driving through Wales with a friend of mine who is dyslexic. He was studying all the road signs we passed when suddenly he shouted: "Bloody hell it's a miracle. I'm cured"