Joke thread

[sir baconface]

I'm worried about this recurring dream that my dictaphone is almost full… Maybe I'm reading too much into it

You still use your dictaphone…or your finger like everyone else?

(One for older readers.)

 

[Robinho's Subbuteo]

 

[roman totale]

I went to the zoo yesterday. There was a baguette in a cage. The keeper told me it was bread in captivity.

Are you sure the zookeeper wasn’t French and said “It’s a pain, duh!”

 

[balotellishaircut]

A young woman calls her Mum, “Mum I’m getting a divorce”

“ Why ?” asked the shocked Mum

“Because all he wants is anal sex, I used to have a nice small arsehole the size of a 5 pence piece, now it’s the size of a 50 pence piece”

The mother - “ Sweetie you have a Porsche, a platinum card, a Villa in Spain, kids in private school and 4 holidays a year”

“Do you really want to give all that up for the sake of 45 pence.”

 

[knuckles]

 

[knuckles]

 

[Big Swifty]

I was a sickly child and was fed supplements.

I nearly choked on the Sunday Times

 

[Brightwell’s left peg]

View attachment 53327

Still laughing at this. Genius.

 

[RadcliffeRick]

Took the family to the zoo yesterday, waste of time, there was only a dog in a cage, nothing else. It was a shih tzu

 

[Blue Mist]

Still laughing at this. Genius.

Seriously ! You've never heard the same joke but with Anne Frank doing her diary ? It's got to be 40 years old and has appeared in the rag thread at least twice ( that was me both times)

 

[knuckles]

 

[yeseye]

My wife is leaving me and said my obsession with conspiracy theories is getting out of control.​

I wonder how much money the government paid her to say that?

 

[Alan Harper's Tash]

I'm sure I heard that ages ago.

Not a patch on Tim Vine's winner.

Crime in multi storey car parks.
That's wrong on so many different levels.

Similar to farting in a lift.

 

[bluemoon32]

 

[Brightwell’s left peg]

Seriously ! You've never heard the same joke but with Anne Frank doing her diary ? It's got to be 40 years old and has appeared in the rag thread at least twice ( that was me both times)

Seriously. Sorry BlueMist, though I am currently stuck in a Houston hotel room, working through Covid isolation, so I’m probably not at my sharpest.

Apologies for missing your previous Contributions and not giving you a like instead!!

;-)

 

[Tuearts right boot]

View attachment 53843

On the bright side, they'd be first off.

 

[Blue Mist]

Seriously. Sorry BlueMist, though I am currently stuck in a Houston hotel room, working through Covid isolation, so I’m probably not at my sharpest.

Apologies for missing your previous Contributions and not giving you a like instead!!

;-)

Well as they will tell you in off top, I am very needy and do like my likes.

 

[knuckles]

Wrong thread?

 

[knuckles]

 

[RadcliffeRick]

View attachment 53889

Be, you will, Shirley?