Joke thread

A Man goes into a Bakers and asks for 2 Bread Rolls..??
The Shop Man picks them up with the Tongs and puts them in a Paper Bag,
He then asks for 2 Cakes the Shop Man picks them up with the Tongs and puts them in the Bag.
The Man says :-
"It’s nice to see you don’t Handle the Food"..
The Shop Man says :-
"Nothing in my Shop is Handled by Human Hand"..
He then noticed a Piece of String hanging out of the Shop Man's Trousers and asks :-
"What is that Piece of String for"..???
The Shop Man says :-
"When I need a Piss. I just pull on the String and it Pops Out"..
"That’s OK" Says the man.
"But how do you put it Back"..???
"That’s No Problem", says the Shop Man.
"I just Use the TONGS"
 
As a one man heating engineer business with all this Corona virus about will I have to self insulate ?
 
It's late autumn and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'

'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?' 'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.' The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?' 'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.' 'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, 'The Indians sure are collecting a hell of a lot of firewood'
 
I saw a woman drop her purse in the high street this morning, so I quickly followed her.
As I was just about to tap her on the shoulder she started running for a bus.
So I ran after her shouting,
"You dropped your purse! You dropped your purse!"
She didn't hear me and proceeded to get onto the bus, so I got on the bus too.
As I walked to the back of the bus I breathlessly said,
"You dropped your purse on the floor outside McDonald's."
"Thank you so much" she said, "Where is it?"
I said, "I've just fecking told you, on the floor outside McDonald's."
 
DazWA9 said:
It's late autumn and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'

'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?' 'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.' The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?' 'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.' 'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, 'The Indians sure are collecting a hell of a lot of firewood'
Click to expand...
By the usual standards on here (except for me, obviously), that is pretty good. Definitely 8, possibly 8.5, out of 10.
 
DazWA9 said:
A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said 'Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It ties you up in knots. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished.'

The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment. As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward,grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a long, high pitched scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded.When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked 'How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!'
The wrestler answered 'Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.'
The trainer exclaimed 'Oh, so that's what finished him off?!!'
'Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls'
Click to expand...
Not bad
 
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