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Joke thread
- Thread starter mrcunny
- Start date
jimharri
Moderator
The cricket thread is over thereI went into a shop and asked “Have you got any bulldog clips?”
The shopkeeper replied “No, but I’ve got a nice video of a Jack Russell”.
------->
Bill Walker
Well-Known Member
My wife's just blocked me on Facebook for keep putting posts on about birds ,
Well, Toucan play at that game !
Well, Toucan play at that game !
Bill Walker
Well-Known Member
I was installing a light in the loft yesterday, when I slipped off a joist and put my foot right through the bedroom ceiling. It scared the shit out of my girlfriend...
I'm not surprised though, she kicked me out last August.
I'm not surprised though, she kicked me out last August.
bluemoon32
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- 2 Jan 2009
- Messages
- 24,846
- Team supported
- City
Professor X: So you want to become an x-man. What is your superpower?
Me: Hindsight
Professor X: We have no need of that.
Me: Yes, I see that now
Me: Hindsight
Professor X: We have no need of that.
Me: Yes, I see that now
I was in the garden this morning and the neighbour looked over the fence and said “What are you doing?”
“I’m putting all my plants in alphabetical order”
She replied “Really? I don’t know how you find the time”
“Oh that’s easy” I said, “It’s right next to the sage”. :(
“I’m putting all my plants in alphabetical order”
She replied “Really? I don’t know how you find the time”
“Oh that’s easy” I said, “It’s right next to the sage”. :(
Bill Walker
Well-Known Member
I asked singer Elkie Brooks if I could guess the name of her dog.
She said "Okay-but you're a fool if you think its Rover"
She said "Okay-but you're a fool if you think its Rover"
Bill Walker
Well-Known Member
I bumped into my ex in town last night, I said:
"How's your new bloke?"
"He's twice the man you are" she sneered, "what about your new woman?"
I said, "thankfully she's half the woman you are, fatarse"
"How's your new bloke?"
"He's twice the man you are" she sneered, "what about your new woman?"
I said, "thankfully she's half the woman you are, fatarse"
Zuriblue
Well-Known Member
A motor mechanic once owned a dog that he named mace. mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass in the mwechanic's lawn so he had to keep him inside. Eventually the grass became overgrown.
One day the mechanic was working on a car in his drive and he dropped his spanner, losing it in the tall grass. He looked and couldn't find it for the life of him and eventually decided to call it a day, saying that he would look again in the morning.
That night Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the garden. The next morning the mechanic went outside and saw his spanner gleaming in the sunlight. Realising what had happened he looked up to the heavens and proclaimed..
"A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound that saved a wrench for me!"
One day the mechanic was working on a car in his drive and he dropped his spanner, losing it in the tall grass. He looked and couldn't find it for the life of him and eventually decided to call it a day, saying that he would look again in the morning.
That night Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the garden. The next morning the mechanic went outside and saw his spanner gleaming in the sunlight. Realising what had happened he looked up to the heavens and proclaimed..
"A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound that saved a wrench for me!"
Marklr
Well-Known Member
Man and wife are fast asleep in the middle of the night in their countryside cottage when they're woken by a knock at the door.
The husband puts on his robe, goes downstairs and answers the door to stressed out, drenched from the rain, desperate-looking man.
“I’m sorry to knock at such an hour but could you give me a push? I just can’t seem to get started”
The husband looks outside and sees the lashing rain and replies: “sorry mate…it’s just too late…I’m in bed with my wife” and closes the door on the poor, soaking fellow.
As he gets back in bed his wife asks “Who was it? What did they want?”
“Oh…it was just some bloke who wanted a push…. I told him “no”
His wife, disappointed in her husband, replied: “but…remember when we got stuck at night in the rain and couldn’t get anywhere and that man came and gave us a push?”
Feeling slightly guilty the husband gets back out of bed, puts on his robe and says “you’re right…I’m going to see if he’s still there” and runs downstairs, opens the front door and shouts “MATE …MATE …. DO YOU STILL WANT THAT PUSH?”
A distant voice replies “yes please”
Husband: “WHERE ARE YOU?”
Man: ”I’m over here on the swing!!”
The husband puts on his robe, goes downstairs and answers the door to stressed out, drenched from the rain, desperate-looking man.
“I’m sorry to knock at such an hour but could you give me a push? I just can’t seem to get started”
The husband looks outside and sees the lashing rain and replies: “sorry mate…it’s just too late…I’m in bed with my wife” and closes the door on the poor, soaking fellow.
As he gets back in bed his wife asks “Who was it? What did they want?”
“Oh…it was just some bloke who wanted a push…. I told him “no”
His wife, disappointed in her husband, replied: “but…remember when we got stuck at night in the rain and couldn’t get anywhere and that man came and gave us a push?”
Feeling slightly guilty the husband gets back out of bed, puts on his robe and says “you’re right…I’m going to see if he’s still there” and runs downstairs, opens the front door and shouts “MATE …MATE …. DO YOU STILL WANT THAT PUSH?”
A distant voice replies “yes please”
Husband: “WHERE ARE YOU?”
Man: ”I’m over here on the swing!!”