Joke thread

[Big Swifty]

I phoned the Samaritans and said “ im at the top of Beachy head and I’m about to toss myself off “

The woman on the other end of the line “what about the people below”

I said “don’t worry love, they’ll probably think it’s bird shit”

You are Max Miller and I claim my £5

 

[Bill Walker]

If you close your eyes and rub a kiwifruit in one hand and rub a testicle with the other, it's difficult to tell the difference.

It also gets you banned from Asda.

 

[sir baconface]

If you close your eyes and rub a kiwifruit in one hand and rub a testicle with the other, it's difficult to tell the difference.

It also gets you banned from Asda.

I dread to think what you get up to at the fish counter.

 

[Indaparkside]

Euefa, but there not even funny cunts

 

[bluemoon32]

My friend said “What are doing for work these days?
I said “I cook meals for the homeless, drug addicts, people with addictions to gambling and alcohol”
“Charity work?”
"Nah Weatherspoons"

 

[MellowJoe]

I don't believe man is truly free, and I never will

 

[dronefromsector7G]

My wife let's me lick anything off her and I love it. Butter, jam, cheese, you name it she let's me lick it off her... She's a cracker!

 

[lefty goldblatt]

My wife let's me lick anything off her and I love it. Butter, jam, cheese, you name it she let's me lick it off her... She's a cracker!

Thanks for that, Jacob Crawford.

You've tuc the biscuit for that

 

[ray21]

Not a joke but what a name.

 

[Uwe Already]

Not a joke but what a name.

you can tune a piano, but you can’t Tuna Kunt