Joke thread

[The Earl of Abington]

A guy walks into a library, goes up to the enquiry desk and says to the woman..."I'd like cod and chips, sausage and chips and a steak and kidney pie and chips please". The poor woman is a bit confused, she says.."you do realise this is a library, don't you"?
He says "oh, right, I'm really sorry. So, that's " cod and chips, sausage and chips and a steak and kidney pie and chips, please".

 

[BimboBob]

A guy walks into a library, goes up to the enquiry desk and says to the woman..."I'd like cod and chips, sausage and chips and a steak and kidney pie and chips please". The poor woman is a bit confused, she says.."you do realise this is a library, don't you"?
He says "oh, right, I'm really sorry. So, that's " cod and chips, sausage and chips and a steak and kidney pie and chips, please".

What?

 

[blue b4 the moon]

What?

Think he's saying it quietly the second time.

 

[Trautmann's Chiropractor]

Bloody Amazon I ordered 4 Kindles

They sent me a Two Ronnies DVD

This is unappreciated.

 

[Zuriblue]

I hate it when these buggers rock up, banging on the door, telling me that I need to be “saved” or I will “burn”.

Flaming Firemen, who do they think they are?

 

[BlueHammer85]

Be careful on the roads this year - a lot of people will be drinking and letting their wives drive.

 

[aguero93:20]

I hate it when these buggers rock up, banging on the door, telling me that I need to be “saved” or I will “burn”.

Flaming Firemen, who do they think they are?

 

[Le Havre Oswald]

I've got a polish friend who's a sound technician and a czech one too Czech one too.

 

[talkativesprout]

I've got a polish friend who's a sound technician and a czech one too Czech one too.

sound like my mate Mike

 

[jimharri]

My neighbour with the big tits is walking up and down the garden topless. ...I just wish his wife would do the same.

 

[Dicko69]

The wife said to me "you haven't listened to a single fucking word I've said have you?"

I thought to myself "what a strange way to start a conversation"

 

[BELLENDER]

I was gonna give up being a flasher but I've decided to stick it out for another year..

 

[crazyg]

I was gonna give up being a flasher but I've decided to stick it out for another year..

If you get arrested it will probably not stand up in court.

 

[dronefromsector7G]

Two blokes driving down a cobbled street. One says to the other "I've never come this way before"

 

[Mad Eyed Screamer]

I was telling my mate last night that I finally achieved my ultimate fantasy in shagging identical twins.
He asked me if I was able to tell them apart - if I knew which one I was shagging each time.
''Yes'', I replied, ''Samantha had a cracking pair of tits and Simon had a beard.''

 

[aguero93:20]

I was telling my mate last night that I finally achieved my ultimate fantasy in shagging identical twins.
He asked me if I was able to tell them apart - if I knew which one I was shagging each time.
''Yes'', I replied, ''Samantha had a cracking pair of tits and Simon had a beard.''

Identical (monozygotic) twins are always of the same sex because they form from a single zygote (fertilized egg) that contains either male (XY) or female (XX) sex chromosomes. ... A set of boy/girl twins can only be fraternal (dizygotic). Boy/girl twins can not be identical (monozygotic).

 

[TCIB]

I was going to train as a curtain fitter but i just couldn't pull it together.

 

[KS55]

Identical (monozygotic) twins are always of the same sex because they form from a single zygote (fertilized egg) that contains either male (XY) or female (XX) sex chromosomes. ... A set of boy/girl twins can only be fraternal (dizygotic). Boy/girl twins can not be identical (monozygotic).

Wonder what he was shagging, then?

 

[Mad Eyed Screamer]

Identical (monozygotic) twins are always of the same sex because they form from a single zygote (fertilized egg) that contains either male (XY) or female (XX) sex chromosomes. ... A set of boy/girl twins can only be fraternal (dizygotic). Boy/girl twins can not be identical (monozygotic).

Thanks. Will tell the joke correctly next time :)

 

[Bluemoon115]

Identical (monozygotic) twins are always of the same sex because they form from a single zygote (fertilized egg) that contains either male (XY) or female (XX) sex chromosomes. ... A set of boy/girl twins can only be fraternal (dizygotic). Boy/girl twins can not be identical (monozygotic).

It's the way you tell 'em