Joke thread

[Pell]

David Beckham has been left devastated after a fire in his home destroyed his entire library. There were two books in there, and one of them he hadn't finished colouring in.

 

[taleofbluehalves]

My mate keeps getting splinters, he said to me, he hopes he doesnt get anymore touchwood!

 

[taleofbluehalves]

A car pulled up next to me the other day and the lady said "excuse me is there a B&Q in Dudley"
I said no its spelt D-U-D-L-E-Y

 

[BlueHammer85]

Quality!

Don’t get it

 

[dronefromsector7G]

Don’t get it

No joke?

If you were agoraphobic where would you want to be?

 

[aguero93:20]

Don’t get it

Would have been funnier if you'd said 'don't get out'.

 

[BlueHammer85]

No joke?

If you were agoraphobic where would you want to be?

I see .... ‘get in’ as ... will be staying in and not going out ?

 

[dronefromsector7G]

I see .... ‘get in’ as ... will be staying in and not going out ?

And the double meaning of get in as in ‘get the fuck in’.

 

[BlueHammer85]

And the double meaning of get in as in ‘get the fuck in’.

Not funny

 

[aguero93:20]

And the double meaning of get in as in ‘get the fuck in’.

I think, much like any thread to do with music, that this isn't the thread for Mark...

 

[dronefromsector7G]

Not funny

That’s all I needed to hear :-)

 

[crazyg]

Not funny

I thought you needed a sense of humour to watch your lot. Evidently not.

 

[BackofJeanette]

The doctor is doing his hospital round, and comes to one bed, and says to the patient: "How are you today, Mr Smith/"
Smith replies "Well, doctor, I feel really bloated - I haven't had a bowel movement for a week."
The doctor says: "Don't worry, Mr Smith, we've got a new laxative that moves the stodgiest bowels. Nurse, give Mr Smith this dose", and scribbles the details on a piece of paper
Unfortunately, the nurse is short-sighted, misreads the decimal point and gives the patient ten times the required dosage.
Later that day, the doctor passes Smith's bed and says cheerfully: "Now then Mr Smith, how are the bowels? Have we managed to move you yet?"
Smith replies: "I wish some bugger would move me....my bed's full of shit."

Made me laugh!

 

[Big Swifty]

Thanks BoJ. That has cheered me up. I get depressed when I get lukewarm reviews of my posts.

 

[CityInWashingtonState]

An Evangelical Christian, a porn star and the President of the United States walk into a bar...

 

[taleofbluehalves]

A guy goes to the dr`s with a cricket ball stuck up his bum.
The Dr asks hows that?
The guy replies "oh dont you start"

 

[Sid C]

An Evangelical Christian, a porn star and the President of the United States walk into a bar...

That will teach them to duck.

 

[CityInWashingtonState]

That will teach them to duck.

The porn start whispers to Donald, "Give me some locker room talk, baby."

 

[CityInWashingtonState]

The porn start whispers to Donald, "Give me some locker room talk, baby."

The Evangelical Christian is outraged. "You shall burn in righteous fury!," he shouts, pointing at the porn star. "You shall pay grievously for your misdeeds!"

 

[malg]

The doctor is doing his hospital round, and comes to one bed, and says to the patient: "How are you today, Mr Smith/"
Smith replies "Well, doctor, I feel really bloated - I haven't had a bowel movement for a week."
The doctor says: "Don't worry, Mr Smith, we've got a new laxative that moves the stodgiest bowels. Nurse, give Mr Smith this dose", and scribbles the details on a piece of paper
Unfortunately, the nurse is short-sighted, misreads the decimal point and gives the patient ten times the required dosage.
Later that day, the doctor passes Smith's bed and says cheerfully: "Now then Mr Smith, how are the bowels? Have we managed to move you yet?"
Smith replies: "I wish some bugger would move me....my bed's full of shit."

Shit.