Joke thread

Paddy orders 2 whiskies...both now or 1 at a time says barman?
Both now says Paddy....1 for me, 1 for my little pal, he pulls a 3 inch man out of his pocket.
Barman looked at little man and asked, "Can he drink?
3 inch man knocked back a whiskey. "Can he walk"? Paddy flips a coin to the end of the bar, 3inch man runs and picks it up and jogs back.
"Can he talk?.... hey Mick, says Paddy, tell him about that time in Africa when you called that witch-doctor a lying cheating fecking scumbag....
 
A man is getting up to go to work. Suddenly he calls out to his wife "Hey - have you seen the state of my balls?"

She replies "What time have I got to look at your balls? I've got to get your breakfast, make your sandwiches to take to work, get the kids up, give them their breakfast, make their lunches to take to school, see them off to school, wash up, walk the dog - I've hardly got time to wipe my arse!"

He says "Yes, I know - have you seen the state of my balls?"
 
Bloke goes to his GP with his wife, complaining that she is oversexed and wants to be shagged all the time, and he just doesn't know what to do to satisfy her.
GP says, 'OK, just watch this' and he bends the wife over his desk and pulls her dress up, then starts shagging her. 10 minutes pass, then 20 and after half an hour she is a trembling wreck.
'Now' says the GP 'she needs that 3 times a week, ok?'
That's fine says the bloke, I can bring her Monday, Wednesday and Friday if that suits you....'
 
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