Joke thread

[bluemoon32]

Katie price now has ugly, severely swollen lips that have had a few fists between them.
Says her gynaecologist

 

[Blue Mist]

What do you call an Aussie with an IQ of 150?



Sydney.

I'm not even sure if our resident sheep shearer knows I've nicknamed him Walkabout Bill.
Do you remember him when he was in Crocodile Dundee ? Big Donc ?

 

[foetus]

 

[mat]

Who says science and religion don't mix?

The discovery of DNA led to the arrest of a couple of priests...

 

[Highpeakprowler]

A man walks in the the doctors room with a carrot hanging out of his nose and parsnip sticking out of his ear.

The doctors says, "Don't sit down, I know what's wrong with you. You're not eating properly."

 

[BackofJeanette]

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis only to find a British soldier selling regimental ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The soldier replied, "There is no water, the well is dry. Would you like to buy a tie instead? They are only £5."

The Taliban shouted, "You idiot infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"

"OK," said the soldier, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that, and that I am a much better human being than you. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find our Sergeant's Mess. It has all the ice cold water you need. Inshallah."

Cursing him, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, collapsed with dehydration & rasped:

"They won't let me in without a fucking tie!”

 

[Fred_Quimby]

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis only to find a British soldier selling regimental ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The soldier replied, "There is no water, the well is dry. Would you like to buy a tie instead? They are only £5."

The Taliban shouted, "You idiot infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"

"OK," said the soldier, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that, and that I am a much better human being than you. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find our Sergeant's Mess. It has all the ice cold water you need. Inshallah."

Cursing him, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, collapsed with dehydration & rasped:

"They won't let me in without a fucking tie!”

You don’t get many ex squadie jokes on here.

 

[lefty goldblatt]

 

[dickie davies]

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis only to find a British soldier selling regimental ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The soldier replied, "There is no water, the well is dry. Would you like to buy a tie instead? They are only £5."

The Taliban shouted, "You idiot infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"

"OK," said the soldier, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that, and that I am a much better human being than you. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find our Sergeant's Mess. It has all the ice cold water you need. Inshallah."

Cursing him, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, collapsed with dehydration & rasped:

"They won't let me in without a fucking tie!”

Dave Allen told that joke in the early 70's

 

[Alan Harper's Tash]