Joke thread

[beehive_bob]

 

[Alan Harper's Tash]

If pronouncing my If pronouncing my Bs as Vs makes me sound Russian, then soviet.

 

[Alan Harper's Tash]

“Can you tie a knot?"
"I cannot."
”So you can knot?"
"No, I cannot knot."
”Not knot?"
"Who's there?"
”Fuck off!"

 

[Hayley Croppers chopper]

“Can you tie a knot?"
"I cannot."
”So you can knot?"
"No, I cannot knot."
”Not knot?"
"Who's there?"
”Fuck off!"

So ridiculous it is hilarious

 

[Bill Walker]

This farmer came up to me and said "I have 68 sheep, could you round them up for me"?

"Certainly" I said.

"Seventy"

 

[LWashington]

View attachment 40600

Don't forget Nuke Asshole United.

 

[LWashington]

scientists have found a way to run cars on parsley.they are also hopeful of running buses on thyme

Mint idea.

 

[JRockBlues]

 

[dronefromsector7G]

Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.​

One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells, "Was I going up the stairs or coming down?"
The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having coffee listening to his brothers. He shakes his head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." He knocks on wood for good luck. He then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

 

[Bill Walker]

 

[Bill Walker]

My partner says she’s leaving me as she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.

Just what planet is she on?

 

[sir baconface]

 

[sir baconface]

 

[Bill Walker]

A bloke has just offered me a job, £600 a week working for the Brittle Bone Society.

I snapped his hand off.

 

[Alan Harper's Tash]

 

[balotellishaircut]

Just bought a special edition Humpty Dumpty toy from Aldi.

It comes with Aldi kings horses and Aldi kings men.

 

[Uwe Already]

Two old ladies, Dolly and Ruby were talking about their grandchildren.

Dolly said, "Each year I send each of my grandchildren a card with a generous cheque inside. I never hear from them... never receive a thank you message."

Ruby replies, "I too send my grandchildren a very generous cheque. I always hear from them within a week after they receive it. In fact, they each pay me a personal visit."

"Wow… how come?” remarked Dolly.

"I don't sign the cheque!”

 

[Uwe Already]

My wife thanked me for introducing her to minimalism, I replied, “its the least I could do”

 

[Uwe Already]

My wife left me due to my obsession with cricket - it really knocked me for six…

 

[GornikDaze]

My wife left me due to my obsession with cricket - it really knocked me for six…

Good job it didn’t bowl you over…