Joke thread

Bill Walker said:
Text message from Harry to his neighbour Bill:

”Hi, Bill. This is Harry, next door. I've a confession to make. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. At least I'm telling you in this text. I can't live with myself a minute longer without your knowing about this. The truth is, when you're not around, I've been sharing your wife, day and night. Probably much more than you. I haven't been getting it at home recently. I know that's no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can't live with the guilt & hope you'll accept my sincere apology and forgive me. Please suggest a fee for usage and I'll pay you. Cheers - Harry”�

Bill, feeling enraged and betrayed, grabbed his gun, went next door and shot Harry dead. He returned home, shot his wife, poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa.

He then looked at his phone and discovered a second text message from Harry:

“Hi, Bill. Harry here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I assume you figured it out and noticed that the darned Spell-Check had changed "wi-fi" to "wife." Technology, huh? It'll be the death of us all.”
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Stranger things have happened.
 
I like opera. There's one by Johann Strauss about a little rodent that nibbles through tyres on bikes to let the air out.

It's called "Deflator Mouse"....

And one of my favourite arias is the one describing Japanese car workers falling asleep on the night shift.

It's called "Nissan Dorma".

Please don't tell me I have to explain them. But I did invent them myself, believe it or not.
 
Big Swifty said:
I like opera. There's one by Johann Strauss about a little rodent that nibbles through tyres on bikes to let the air out.

It's called "Deflator Mouse"....

And one of my favourite arias is the one describing Japanese car workers falling asleep on the night shift.

It's called "Nissan Dorma".

Please don't tell me I have to explain them. But I did invent them myself, believe it or not.
Click to expand...
Big Swifty, these are quite brilliant.
It is about time we had some high brow humour on here.
Do you know any Latin jokes?
 
Colin Bells Holdall said:
Big Swifty, these are quite brilliant.
It is about time we had some high brow humour on here.
Do you know any Latin jokes?
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Two Oxford Dons sitting in a bar:

"Would you decline a little tequila, Oswald?"

"Certainly Jeffrey. Tequila, tequilae, tequilae, tequilam, tequila."

Caesar walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'd like a Martinus." The bartender looks befuddled, but then asks, "Oh, do you want a Martini?" Caesar replies: "Look pal, when I want a double, I'll ask for it."
 
Alan Harper's Tash said:
Two Oxford Dons sitting in a bar:

"Would you decline a little tequila, Oswald?"

"Certainly Jeffrey. Tequila, tequilae, tequilae, tequilam, tequila."

Caesar walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'd like a Martinus." The bartender looks befuddled, but then asks, "Oh, do you want a Martini?" Caesar replies: "Look pal, when I want a double, I'll ask for it."
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Good effort. Beta plus.
 
Two Oxford dons meet in the street.
One of them, an English professor, has a gorgeous girl on each arm.
His mate, a Latin professor, asks him where he's going.
The English professor says "I'm taking these two ladies to a ball. How about you?"
The Latin professor says "Vice Versa".
 
Colin Bells Holdall said:
Big Swifty, these are quite brilliant.
It is about time we had some high brow humour on here.
Do you know any Latin jokes?
Click to expand...
Thank you for your fulsome encomium.

Well, it's not Latin, but..... two Germans go into a Manchester wine bar and one says "Two Martinis, please".

The barman says "Dry?"

The German says "No, zwei, are you deaf?"

And as for Latin, I remember an old Frank Muir/Denis Norden sketch on the radio about soldiers in ancient Rome, and the Roman NCO giving them the order "Quick march! Sinister, dexter, sinister, dexter.....
 
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Big Swifty said:
I like opera. There's one by Johann Strauss about a little rodent that nibbles through tyres on bikes to let the air out.

It's called "Deflator Mouse"....

And one of my favourite arias is the one describing Japanese car workers falling asleep on the night shift.

It's called "Nissan Dorma".

Please don't tell me I have to explain them. But I did invent them myself, believe it or not.
Click to expand...
At least one of these jokes is bats.
 
A bit of bleeding' culture for you.

An English builder is keen to implement the EU’s policy of job mobility, so he advertises a job in an international trade paper. Three applicants turn up: a Frenchman, a German and an Irishman. When the builder interviews them he points out that a basic knowledge of English is essential, especially of terms used in the building trade, so he has devised a little test. He asks each one of them the same question: “ Can you explain to me the difference between ‘girder’ and ‘joist’?”

The Frenchman shrugs his shoulders, admitting that he does not understand the terms. The German also admits that he has no idea.

Before the builder puts the question to the Irishman, he says “I know you speak English, but in the interests of equal treatment I have to ask you the same question as the other two: “What is the difference between ‘girder’ and ‘joist’?”

The Irishman replies, “Sure, everyone knows that. Goethe wrote ‘Faust’ and Joyce wrote ‘Ulysses’.”
 
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