Joke thread

[Dogtanian]

Even though I've gone bald, I still keep my comb…

I just can't part with it!

 

[balotellishaircut]

Who’s the coolest guy in the hospital ? The ultrasound guy.

Who takes over when he’s on holiday ? The hip replacement guy.

 

[Tuearts right boot]

View attachment 53308

I'm offended.

 

[balotellishaircut]

Daily Mail online; Masturbation may help prevent the common cold.

I bloody hope so, iv got no tissues left.

 

[bluebc]

 

[balotellishaircut]

My wife went on one of those “ I speak your weight machines recently.
She stood on the scales, put her 50p in the slot and the machine screams out “ hold on hold on, one at a fucking time”

 

[Tuearts right boot]

My wife went on one of those “ I speak your weight machines recently.
She stood on the scales, put her 50p in the slot and the machine screams out “ hold on hold on, one at a fucking time”

or...No coach partys.

 

[East Level 2]

"I tried to steal spaghetti from the shop, but the female guard saw me and I couldn't get pasta."

This is far from brilliant but was named as the funniest joke of the Edinburgh Fringe by members of the public.

 

[Fred_Quimby]

A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up after about 10 months.​

The woman asked the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They're both fine. And, your brother named them for you.

Woman: No No No! Not my brother. He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?

Doctor: Denise.

Woman: Ohh, that's actually a nice name. What about the boy?

Doctor: deeply sighs Denephew.

 

[Robinho's Subbuteo]

"I tried to steal spaghetti from the shop, but the female guard saw me and I couldn't get pasta."

This is far from brilliant but was named as the funniest joke of the Edinburgh Fringe by members of the public.

Edinburgh Cringe more like.

 

[Dogtanian]

I turned down a job where I would be
paid in vegetables…

The celery was unacceptable!

 

[Dogtanian]

My nephew introduced me to his new girlfriend yesterday. Apparently she works at an abattoir…

She's a stunner!

 

[blue44]

 

[blue44]

 

[bladdered]

 

[KS55]

"I tried to steal spaghetti from the shop, but the female guard saw me and I couldn't get pasta."

This is far from brilliant but was named as the funniest joke of the Edinburgh Fringe by members of the public.

Right. Best one from the past was:
I’ve sold my hoover, it was just sitting in the corner gathering dust.

 

[blueish swede]

Right. Best one from the past was:
I’ve sold my hoover, it was just sitting in the corner gathering dust.

‘I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.’

 

[Vic]

"I tried to steal spaghetti from the shop, but the female guard saw me and I couldn't get pasta."

This is far from brilliant but was named as the funniest joke of the Edinburgh Fringe by members of the public.

I'm sure I heard that ages ago.

Not a patch on Tim Vine's winner.

Crime in multi storey car parks.
That's wrong on so many different levels.

 

[dickie davies]

I got a job in a condom factory and was told a perk of the job is, at the end of the working week you can take some condoms and have sex with one of the female employees
Friday arrives, I choose a lovely looking lady and take her into the staff room where she proceed to undo my trousers and started wanking me off
I said "what about the sex?"
She replied "you have to work a week in hand"

 

[yeseye]

Barristers in the UK are set to go on strike. Fuck em, I'll just make my own coffee at home