Joke thread

[Bill Walker]

I went to the zoo yesterday. There was a baguette in a cage. The keeper told me it was bread in captivity.

 

[Bill Walker]

Years ago, I decided I wanted to be a doctor,
so I took the entrance exam to go to medical
school.

One of the many questions on human anatomy
asked was to rearrange the letters PNEIS" into
the name of "an important human body part which
is most useful when erect."

Those who answered "spine" are now doctors

The rest of us are posting jokes on social media.

 

[sir baconface]

"I tried to steal spaghetti from the shop, but the female guard saw me and I couldn't get pasta."

This is far from brilliant but was named as the funniest joke of the Edinburgh Fringe by members of the public.

Its solitary like on here (so far) is probably more fitting.

 

[sir baconface]

I got a job in a condom factory and was told a perk of the job is, at the end of the working week you can take some condoms and have sex with one of the female employees
Friday arrives, I choose a lovely looking lady and take her into the staff room where she proceed to undo my trousers and started wanking me off
I said "what about the sex?"
She replied "you have to work a week in hand"

You’re saying wanking isn’t sex? You might have broken that more gently, you insensitive bastard.

 

[Dogtanian]

I'm sure I heard that ages ago.

Not a patch on Tim Vine's winner.

Crime in multi storey car parks.
That's wrong on so many different levels.

He also won one year with I went on one of them once in a lifetime holidays, I'll tell you what, never again!

 

[Hayley Croppers chopper]

I got a job in a condom factory and was told a perk of the job is, at the end of the working week you can take some condoms and have sex with one of the female employees
Friday arrives, I choose a lovely looking lady and take her into the staff room where she proceed to undo my trousers and started wanking me off
I said "what about the sex?"
She replied "you have to work a week in hand"

That is still a good perk though.

 

[Thorin Oakenshield]

I gave up alcohol because people said I was an alcoholic

Took up Fanta instead, those fucking people better start calling me fantastic

 

[sir baconface]

 

[Xhavenjoe]

I'm sure I heard that ages ago.

Not a patch on Tim Vine's winner.

Crime in multi storey thats wrong on so levels

I know he won twice at Edinburgh with these two one liners.

"I decided to sell my Hoover... well it was just collecting dust.

"I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."

 

[blue44]

I remember when getting shit faced

Didn't mean going for a swim.

 

[LWashington]

I remember when getting shit faced

Didn't mean going for a swim.

If shit touched your face when swimming you may also have got unwanted PPI.

 

[balotellishaircut]

A man phoned the hospital where his pregnant wife was admitted, but then was accidentally put through to Lords Cricket Ground.

“So how did it go” he asked

The person on the other end of the line “ We’ve got four out and expect to have the rest out before lunch, the last one was a duck”

 

[sir baconface]

 

[SJT]

Kid - comes into room, says...
'Dad! there’s a bloke at the door, with a bald head!'

Dad - looks up.
‘Tell him I’ve got one'

 

[bluebc]

 

[JRockBlues]

A weasel walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get for you?"
"Pop," goes the weasel.

 

[Big Swifty]

Kid - comes into room, says...
'Dad! there’s a bloke at the door, with a bald head!'

Dad - looks up.
‘Tell him I’ve got one'

Kid says "Dad, the Invisible Man's at the door - he wants you"

Dad: "Tell him I can't see him"

 

[theinvisibleman]

Kid says "Dad there's a man at the door with a bill"

Dad: "It's probably a duck with a hat on son.."

 

[Mid Wales blue]

A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up after about 10 months.​

The woman asked the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They're both fine. And, your brother named them for you.

Woman: No No No! Not my brother. He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?

Doctor: Denise.

Woman: Ohh, that's actually a nice name. What about the boy?

Doctor: deeply sighs Denephew.

Just made my day.

 

[Mid Wales blue]

View attachment 53720

It’s outside the chippy! Tricky.