Joke thread

An old codger and his wife are getting ready for bed and put their teeth out in glasses. They snuggle down and the bloke lets a loud one out. The old crone cries out "My God What's that?"

He replies "Fart football. Back of the net. 1-0 to me."

She doesn't take this lying down and lets one weedy one out. "1-1 in off far post "

He retaliates "Direct from corner - 2-1 to me." She then lets 2 go "bent round the wall -2-2. close in finish 3-2"

He can't be beaten by a woman and knows he's probably on dangerous ground but goes anyway. "SPLURGE, SPLURGE< SPLURGE" - followed by very rank smell.

She squeals "My God - What's that??"

He replies "Half time. Change sides."
 
I was driving home yesterday when I came up to one of those half barrier level crossings,the lights were flashing and the barriers were on there way down so I pulled up sharply.
Suddenly this car full of Utd fans pulled out and tried to beat the barriers, they got half way across when a large fully laden goods train hit them, the car disintegrated and all it’s occupants were killed instantly.
I sat there open mouthed thinking “Jesus that could have been me”
So this morning I’ve sent off my train drivers application form to network rail
 
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