Joke thread
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Grassland Blue
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A man walks into the pub.
Says rather loudly, "I'd like a pint of bitter please".
Barman says, "Here mate there's no need to shout".
Man says, "Sorry mate, I'm losing my hearing, I don't realise how loud I'm talking. I'm not happy, my hearing has been getting progressively worse this last year and I will be deaf before long".
Barman says, "It's ok, but Jesus is sat in the corner and you might upset him".
Man says, "Oh, I didn't know, you'd better get him a pint in to show no hard feelings".
Jesus acknowledges the gesture and raises his glass.
Another man comes in holding a white stick.
"I'd like a pint of best please", he says. "I'm losing my eyesight you know and I'm not happy, reckon I'll be totally blind in a few months".
Barnan says, "Be careful what you say, only Jesus is sat in the corner and you might upset him".
"Oh sorry", says the customer, "send him a pint across to show no offence".
Jesus acknowledges and raises his glass in thanks.
Another customer comes in limping on crutches and says to the barman, "I'd like a pint of lager please. Do you know that I've been having to use these crutches for the last 4 years and being honest, it's a bit of a bind".
Barman says, "Mind what you say, only Jesus is sat in the corner and you might upset him".
"Oh sorry," says the customer, "send him a pint across and tell him I meant no hard feelings".
Jesus thanks the man by raising his glass.
After a while Jesus comes over to the bar where the 3 men are standing.
He touches the man who is going deaf on his shoulder and says,"My son, thank you for the beer and to show my thanks I have cured your hearing problem".
"Oh thank you, thank you, thank you", says the man "It's marvellous, I can hear the road noise outside, the music on the tv and the ring when the till is opened"! "Praise be the lord"!
Next, Jesus goes up to the partially sighted man and puts his hand on the mans' shoulder.
"My son, he says, you can now see properly again".
"Oh thank you, thank you, thank you", says the man. "I can see everything perfectly, the dancers on the tv, the tables and chairs and the sign for the toilets, oh thank you, praise be the lord"!
Jesus starts to walk towards the man with the crutches.
The man says to him," Don't you dare come near me, he says, I'm a scouser, I'm a scouser, and I'm on mobility"!
Says rather loudly, "I'd like a pint of bitter please".
Barman says, "Here mate there's no need to shout".
Man says, "Sorry mate, I'm losing my hearing, I don't realise how loud I'm talking. I'm not happy, my hearing has been getting progressively worse this last year and I will be deaf before long".
Barman says, "It's ok, but Jesus is sat in the corner and you might upset him".
Man says, "Oh, I didn't know, you'd better get him a pint in to show no hard feelings".
Jesus acknowledges the gesture and raises his glass.
Another man comes in holding a white stick.
"I'd like a pint of best please", he says. "I'm losing my eyesight you know and I'm not happy, reckon I'll be totally blind in a few months".
Barnan says, "Be careful what you say, only Jesus is sat in the corner and you might upset him".
"Oh sorry", says the customer, "send him a pint across to show no offence".
Jesus acknowledges and raises his glass in thanks.
Another customer comes in limping on crutches and says to the barman, "I'd like a pint of lager please. Do you know that I've been having to use these crutches for the last 4 years and being honest, it's a bit of a bind".
Barman says, "Mind what you say, only Jesus is sat in the corner and you might upset him".
"Oh sorry," says the customer, "send him a pint across and tell him I meant no hard feelings".
Jesus thanks the man by raising his glass.
After a while Jesus comes over to the bar where the 3 men are standing.
He touches the man who is going deaf on his shoulder and says,"My son, thank you for the beer and to show my thanks I have cured your hearing problem".
"Oh thank you, thank you, thank you", says the man "It's marvellous, I can hear the road noise outside, the music on the tv and the ring when the till is opened"! "Praise be the lord"!
Next, Jesus goes up to the partially sighted man and puts his hand on the mans' shoulder.
"My son, he says, you can now see properly again".
"Oh thank you, thank you, thank you", says the man. "I can see everything perfectly, the dancers on the tv, the tables and chairs and the sign for the toilets, oh thank you, praise be the lord"!
Jesus starts to walk towards the man with the crutches.
The man says to him," Don't you dare come near me, he says, I'm a scouser, I'm a scouser, and I'm on mobility"!
bluemoon32
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Lavinda Past
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Bill Walker
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Bill Walker
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Bill Walker
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Bill Walker
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"Piss" funny :)
Bill Walker
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Bill Walker
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Mid Wales blue
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I hope that plane is self parking!
Naughty.
”Ladies and gentlemen, please fasten your seat belts as we have just switched to a lady pilot.”
I once flew on a plane piloted by Bruce Dickinson of Iron Maiden, he announced himself as “Captain Bruce Dickinson”, just a coincidental name until reading the Airline magazine that stated the rocker did indeed fly planes for them, Astraeus Airlines, sadly went bust.
To keep on track and the thread in context:
Bruce Dickinson was in the Netherlands, he was having a walk in the countryside and a Windmill shouted out “Hey Bruce”, he turned to the windmill and said “hi, how’s it going” windmill replied “great, I love Iron Maiden, I’ve always been a big fan”
Apologies:-)
