Joke thread

A bloke meets up with his mate for a drink and at 11pm he says ' I have got to go now or the wife will kill me '

His mate says ' you're joking , your doing it all wrong mate, what you do is climb the stairs quietly and sneak up under the duvet and give the wife the best oral sex she's had and she wont care what the time is '

So the bloke carries on drinking with his mate!

At 3 am the bloke staggers off home, climbs up the stairs, slips under the duvet, pulls her draws to one side and gives her the best oral he can muster!

He climbs out of bed busting for a pee and goes into the toilet where his wife is sitting on the loo.

He looks at his wife in shock and she said ' sssssshhhhhh!... you'll wake your mum up, she's sleeping our bed tonight...
 
Lavinda Past said:
A lady of the night takes a Russian sailor to her room. As she takes off her top he sees her shaved armpits. “What no wool?”, he asks. “No”, she said, “in England we shave our armpits”.

She takes her stockings off and he exclaims “What no wool? She explains that in England ladies shave their legs.

As she starts to take her knickers off, he says, “What no wool?”

“Look mate”, she yelled at him, “have you come to f@#k or knit?
Click to expand...
I thought this was ending with a sheep joke for a minute
 
A man is working at a dildo store when a brunette walks in.

She asks him how much for the black dildo?

He replies $50 for the black one, and $50 for the white one.

She leaves without purchasing anything.

A redhead walks in and asks him how much for the white dildo.

He replies $50 for the white one, and $50 for the black one.

she doesn't buy anything.

A blonde enters the store and asks him how much for a dildo.

He answers $50 for a black one, and $50 for a white one.

She asks how much for the plaid one on the shelf behind him.

He says oh that's a very special one, that's $250.

She buys it.

At closing, the manager walks in and asks the man how much he sold.

The man said I've not sold any dildos but I got $250 for your thermos.
 
My mate decided to go to a fancy dress party as Adam, so ordered a fig leaf from an agency. When it arrived, it wasn’t suitable, so he sent it back with a covering letter:

Dear Sirs,
The enclosed doesn’t cover my requirements. Please send a larger model.

By return post, he received a larger fig leaf. This also wasn’t suitable, so he sent it back with a covering letter as before.

This happened several times until he received their XXXXXXL model. Sadly he had to return it with the same covering letter.

Dear Sirs,
The enclosed doesn’t cover my requirements. Please send a larger model.

By return of post he didn’t receive a fig leaf. Instead, he got this letter:

Dear Customer,

I’m very sorry to tell you that you have had the largest model possible; we even had to have it specially made. We have no more material left.

May we suggest you stick your requirements in your ear and go as a petrol pump?
 
Lavinda Past said:
My mate decided to go to a fancy dress party as Adam, so ordered a fig leaf from an agency. When it arrived, it wasn’t suitable, so he sent it back with a covering letter:

Dear Sirs,
The enclosed doesn’t cover my requirements. Please send a larger model.

By return post, he received a larger fig leaf. This also wasn’t suitable, so he sent it back with a covering letter as before.

This happened several times until he received their XXXXXXL model. Sadly he had to return it with the same covering letter.

Dear Sirs,
The enclosed doesn’t cover my requirements. Please send a larger model.

By return of post he didn’t receive a fig leaf. Instead, he got this letter:

Dear Customer,

I’m very sorry to tell you that you have had the largest model possible; we even had to have it specially made. We have no more material left.

May we suggest you stick your requirements in your ear and go as a petrol pump?
Click to expand...
or

May we suggest you stick a camera on your head and go as a tripod.
 
A reservist is called into service. On the first day, he’s told: There’ve been some cuts made, so we can't supply guns for everyone, but we’re doing the exercises anyway. Take this broomstick, and whenever you need to shoot, aim it at the enemy and shout “Bangy bangy bang bang!”

So he goes out to the field, sees an “enemy” soldier, aims the stick at him, shouts “Bangy bangy bang bang!” — and the enemy soldier falls down. “This seems to work!” he thinks, and goes on “shooting” enemy soldiers like that all day.

Then in the distance he sees a group of three enemy soldiers, walking in a triangle formation. He comes close to them, aims his stick and shouts “Bangy bangy bang bang!” — nothing happens. He gets closer, and shouts again “Bangy bangy bang bang!” — still nothing. Then one of them smiles, pats the air around him, and says “Tanky tanky tank tank!”
 
As his wife sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side...

You know what Martha?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I'm beginning to think you're bad luck."
 
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