Joke thread

Glasgow boys Archie and Jock were sitting in the pub discussing Jock’s forthcoming wedding.

‘Aye, it’s all going like magic,’ said Jock. ‘I've got everything organized already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night.’

Archie nodded approvingly.

‘Hell, I've even bought a kilt to be married in!’ continued Jock.

‘A kilt?’ exclaimed Archie. ‘That’s grand, you'll look pure smart in that! And what’s the tartan?”

‘Ach,’ said Jock, ‘I imagine she’ll be in white'
 
hammocity said:
A true story, when I was about 4 I apparently asked my Dad what holding two fingers up meant. My old fella who looked after us whilst my mum was working evenings said it was a rude word, he wouldn't tell me but I wouldn't stop asking him. Eventually he said, "ok I'll tell you but you mustn't ever say the phrase" explaining it meant "fuck off" stopped my incessant questioning.

So later in the evening my mum arrived home from work, my dad said "it's time for bed son, I replied "fuck off, I'm not tired".

My dad said in later years him and my mum couldn't contain their laughter as I was sent to bed.

Ironic thing was my mum passed 5 years ago and I never once swore in her company and I never heard her swear until the night she died. She was in Hospital and an overweight auxiliary nurse passed her bed, she said "there's some right fat buggers that work here"!
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Not swearing in front of your mam is a respect thing, largely missing from todays society. I remember the first time I heard my old man say fuck, it was in the tap room of his local and I was 18.

For those looking for the joke here, you can fuck off :p
 
flook said:
Not swearing in front of your mam is a respect thing, largely missing from todays society. I remember the first time I heard my old man say fuck, it was in the tap room of his local and I was 18.

For those looking for the joke here, you can fuck off :p
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First time I ever heard a female use the "f" word was a cashier in a betting shop I worked at in the very early 80's. It was shocking at the time and was never used anywhere other than in male company.

Funnily enough I was having a pint on the balcony of my local golf club yesterday which is the regular Ladies comp day. One of the older girls asked my mate if he could refrain from using the "f" word which he used inadvertently just once.

To apologise he bought the girls a plate of sandwiches which they appreciated, I pushed my luck a bit saying "could you please pass me an "effing egg butty" Thankfully they took it the right way and had a laugh.

My mate texted me later and put "did those old trouts like their sandwiches?"

Hope they don't read this!!
 
A mental hospital was getting overcrowded, so the doctors created a test to weed out those who are genuinely troubled and those who can be released back into public life.

They emptied all the water from the swimming pool and asked the patients to form a queue to the diving board

"Whoever can jump in the pool and can swim a whole length, will be free to go" called out the head doctor.

Immediately all the patients ran to the diving board and jumped in, one by one. Each one landing hard on the floor below.

Amongst the shouting, one patient stood back, chuckling to himself. Assuming they found someone who may no longer need help, the doctors approached the man and asked him why he doesn't jump in.

He replied "You fools thought you could catch me out, but I'm smarter than you think. That water looks far too cold to swim in!"
 
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