Joke thread

A group of Americans is on holiday in Ireland and join Paddy's scuba diving tours for a day out at sea.

As they're getting their oxygen tanks and all kitted up one of the yanks is sat on the edge of the boat and asks Paddy "why is it we have to fall backwards off the boat?".

And Paddy responds

"Well if you fell forwards, you'd still be on the fecking boat".
 
The president of Nigeria apologised to his countrymen today for the poor performance of their athletes in the Paris Olympics.

He understands that many Nigerian fans spent so much money to go to Paris at his urging only to be let down.

He said the government will reimburse all travel costs. He just needs their bank account and PIN.
 
Putin was being held hostage by a terrorist

A Russian truckdriver stops at the back of a long queue on the motorway. He sees a policeman walking down the line of stopped cars to briefly talk to the drivers.

As the policeman approaches the truck, the truckdriver rolls down his window and asks, "What's going on?"


The polieceman explained "A terrorist is holding Putin hostage in a car. He's demanding 10 million rubles, or he'll douse Putin in petrol and set him on fire. So we're asking drivers for donations."

The driver said, "Oh, ok. How much do people donate on average?"

"About a gallon."
 
A cowboy stops in front of the saloon and ties his horse to the hitching rail. Then he walks behind the horse, lifts it’s tail and shove his finger up its butt.

Then he rubs that finger all over his lips and goes in the bar.

Some of boys inside seen what he did and asked him why. The cowboy says, “I’ve got chapped lips.

One of them asks, “Does that help?” He says "sure keeps me from licking them.”
 
Many years ago, Clive Anderson interviewed Mikhail Gorbachev via an interpreter, on his Sunday evening talk show.

At one point, Gorbachev told the following joke:

During the days of the Soviet Union, two guys were queuing to buy some bread.

One of them was so pissed off that the queue was so long, he said to his mate, "Fuck this, I’m going to kill Gorbachev".

After only a few minutes, he returned to his friend.

"What happened?"He asked.

"That queue is even longer than this one!"
 
Last edited:
Vienna_70 said:
Many years ago, Clive Anderson interviewed Mikhail Gorbachevvia an interpreter, on his Sunday evening talk show.

At one point, Gorbachev told the following joke:

During the days of the Soviet Union, two guys were queuing to buy some bread.

One of them was so pissed off that the queue was so long, he said to his mate, "Fuck this, I’m going to kill Gorbachev".

After only a few minutes, he returned to his friend.

"What happened?"He asked.

"That queue is even longer than this one!"
Click to expand...

Old Russian jokes are great, but you have to be an FOC to really appreciate them.

These kids nowadays can't possible appreciate just how tough it was for us old buggers in those days... ;-)
 
Lavinda Past said:
Old Russian jokes are great, but you have to be an FOC to really appreciate them.

These kids nowadays can't possible appreciate just how tough it was for us old buggers in those days... ;-)
Click to expand...
I went to Leningrad for a weekend in October 1982.

I felt on edge the whole time I was there.

But, looking back, I’m glad I had the opportunity to experience the Soviet Union, even if it was for such a short time.
 
Vienna_70 said:
I went to Leningrad for a weekend in October 1982.

I felt on edge the whole time I was there.

But, looking back, I’m glad I had the opportunity to experience the Soviet Union, even if it was for such a short time.
Click to expand...
I went to East Berlin at about that time. Weird doesn’t even cover it. Still got the photo of Mrs KS standing under the sign “Checkpoint Charlie.”
 
Vienna_70 said:
Many years ago, Clive Anderson interviewed Mikhail Gorbachevvia an interpreter, on his Sunday evening talk show.

At one point, Gorbachev told the following joke:

During the days of the Soviet Union, two guys were queuing to buy some bread.

One of them was so pissed off that the queue was so long, he said to his mate, "Fuck this, I’m going to kill Gorbachev".

After only a few minutes, he returned to his friend.

"What happened?"He asked.

"That queue is even longer than this one!"
Click to expand...
One of Bernard’s few clean jokes.
Russian bloke buys a car.
Salesman says delivery on the 1st June 3 years from now.
Russian bloke asks morning or afternoon?
Salesman asks does it matter?
Russian bloke answers - yes because I have a fridge being delivered in the afternoon.
 
KS55 said:
I went to East Berlin at about that time. Weird doesn’t even cover it. Still got the photo of Mrs KS standing under the sign “Checkpoint Charlie.”
Click to expand...
The first time I visited Berlin was in the summer of 1993.

Obviously, the Wall had fallen more than three and a half years earlier, but the divisions in the city were still clear.

It was a visit that changed my life.
 
A Russian man visits his cousin in England. When he comes back, his family have questions...

“What was it like?”

“It was wonderful! So many cars! So many people all happy and smiling! So many stores with food and amazing things to buy!”

“Did your cousin treat you well?”

“Of course. But he did one thing that was really strange”.

“What?”

“The first night I was there, we sat down at the table and he opened a bottle of great vodka and we shared a toast. And then he did the most extraordinary thing!”

“What was that?”

“He put the top back in the bottle!”
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Unread Posts

Don't have an account? Register now and see fewer ads!

SIGN UP
Back
Top