Joke thread

[Lavinda Past]

I made myself an ice cream sundae today.

I was going to add sprinkles, but that would be a little over the top.

 

[fulabeer]

 

[kippaxneil]

I'm planning a camping holiday for next year but, I have to say, I'm far from impressed with my travel insurance.
It turns out that if someone steals my tent during the night, I'll no longer be covered.

 

[Hertzblue]

 

[Blue Llama]

Just read an amazing account of a 13th-Century siege.


The attackers killed the King's Son, knocking him from the battlements with a peasant's severed head fired from a trebuchet,


It was the first recorded instance of a serf-face-to-heir missile.

Well constructed

 

[Casey69]

A guy goes to the doctors and says I’m having trouble with my knob, doctor says drop your trousers and let’s have a look … his knob is burnt and bloody with skin hanging off, the doc says how did you get it in this state? Well says the bloke I’m a lorry driver and when I’m on my rounds the vibrations of the truck gives me a hard on when this happens I pull over jump out and shove my cock up the exhaust pipe to relieve myself ….
The doctor says… I’m sorry to tell you this but you’re HGV positive !

 

[Sam101]

Somebody said my Dad's gay.

Now l'm trying to work out which one.

 

[Tuearts right boot]

My Grandad's nickname was 'Spiderman'

Not because he had special powers, but because he couldn't get out of the bath by himself.

Took a while but I got there

 

[Sam101]

Threw a ball for my dog last night.

It’s a bit extravagant I know but it was his birthday and he looks great in a dinner suit.

 

[blue44]

 

[blue44]

 

[Sam101]

Ever since my wife was bitten by that radioactive owl she makes all my decisions for me.




She's been given power of a tawny.

 

[Sam101]

I have just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman.


It's very rewarding, but quite challenging - took me ages to get her husband's voice right.

 

[Lavinda Past]

Our local barber has been invited to Buckingham palace tomorrow to do the King's hair

I asked him "have you got a permit?"

He said "No, just a bit off the back"

 

[Lavinda Past]

My mate lost his job as a dodgems operator for no good reason.

It's ok though. He successfully sued the owner for funfair dismissal.

 

[dronefromsector7G]

 

[dronefromsector7G]

 

[Lavinda Past]

My neighbour is massively overweight. He's always eating when I see him, he has loads of snacks, deliveries of takeaways, etc.

I'd love to give him some advice about his health, but I think he's probably got enough on his plate at the moment.

 

[Lavinda Past]

A lot of people know Count Doku, the character from Star Wars.

But less people will have heard about his wife, Sue who creates number puzzles.

 

[Lavinda Past]

How many paranoid schizophrenics does it take to change a light bulb?

Who wants to know...?