Joke thread

The rabbi of a small village died and after some time the congregation decided that his widow should remarry.

Given the size of the village there was only one possible candidate: the butcher.

Although not very excited because she was used to living with an intellectual, the widow agreed.

The wedding took place, and on Friday evening after the ritual bath, the butcher said,
“My mother always told me that at the beginning of Shabbat you have to make love before going to the synagogue.”

So they did.

Returning from the service, he said,
“According to my father, we have to make love before dinner.”

And they did it again.

As as he lay down to sleep, he said,
“My grandfather always said that we have to make love on Shabbat night.”

And they did it again.

They finally fell asleep and the next mornin the butcher said,
“My aunt says that a devout Jew always starts Shabbat by making love.”

And they did it again.

Later that morning the woman went to the synagogue and met a friend who asked, “How are things with your new husband?”

“Well, listen,” she replied.
“He’s not much of an intellectual, but he comes from a really excellent family!”
 
A woman went to her plastic surgeon wanting a face lift.

The doctor showed her how she would look and explained it would cost £10,000.

"Oh, I don't think I can afford that much!” she said.

The doctor told her that there was a less expensive option.

"We install a handle you twist on the top of your head. If you see a wrinkle, you just twist and it pulls the skin back.”

She said, "I'll take it!"

Six months after the installation the woman showed back up at the doctor complaining.

“I twist and twist and twist and these bags under my eyes just won't go away!"

The doctor took one look at her and said,
"Madam, those aren't bags, those are your breasts. And if you don't stop twisting, you'll have a goatee in about three weeks.”
 
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