Joke thread

[Hertzblue]

 

[Lavinda Past]

A man waddles in to see the doctor, and says "Doctor, you've got to help me, I've just been fucked by an elephant!"

The man drops his trousers and bends over, revealing his arse, which can only be described as a huge, bloody cavernous wreck.

The Doctor, puzzled, scratches his head and says "That doesn't make any sense, an elephants phallus isn't nearly as wide and girthy as whatever has just evidently damaged you like this"

"You don't understand" wept the man "It fingered me first!"

 

[Lavinda Past]

My mate was walking home one night a man he passed asked him for a blow job

My mate said he was absolutely horrified, and the whole experience left a bad taste in his mouth

 

[mrcunny]

 

[blueish swede]

Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It's a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.

(As someone swiftly pointed out though, prisms refract.)


What should you do if you are addicted to seaweed?
Sea kelp!

---

It was probably some sad Pink Floyd fan that told you that. They're as bad as M*******y fans sometimes. Prisms reflect.
A Porro prism for example will reflect the image and invert it in one axis.
A coner cube rism is a retro-reflector and if you look into a decet quality one, it is impossible to see anything except your own eye. Anyway I'm going to nick it and use it at work on Monday


and Tuesday...

 

[bluethrunthru]

 

[Lavinda Past]

My wife didn’t believe I’d name our daughter something ridiculous.

But I called her Bluff.

 

[Lavinda Past]

If you overturn a canoe you can wear it as a hat

Because it’s cap sized

 

[Lavinda Past]

I want to buy a gun, but I don't know anything about firearms, so I'm going to buy a starter pistol.

 

[Lavinda Past]

Just wondering...

Do race horses slow down when they see police horses?

 

[JRockBlues]

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Ah
Ah, who?
Werewolves of London

 

[KS55]

Just wondering...

Do race horses slow down when they see police horses?

They do if my money’s on them.

 

[imrebanana]

One for GDM

 

[Bigg Bigg Blue]

 

[Lavinda Past]

I've just opened my fridge and all I can smell is basil.

It must be faulty.

 

[Lavinda Past]

You know what makes me cross...?

Lollipop ladies

 

[Lavinda Past]

My mate recently joined a dating site for arsonists.

He got loads of matches

 

[Lavinda Past]

Here comes Greg. He's always talking about scarecrows...

Greg: Hey man

 

[Lavinda Past]

My mate has got a large M tattooed on his back, the letter I on his stomach, and a large H on his thigh.

That's him all over.

 

[Lavinda Past]

There's a rumour going round that Spandau Ballet are going to re-release an old single.

I hope it's true.