Joke thread

[Lavinda Past]

I saw a sign that made me piss myself yesterday ,


It said Toilets Closed.

 

[Lavinda Past]

A thief has stolen all the motorway signs in Yorkshire.

Police are currently looking for Leeds

 

[Lavinda Past]

I saw a man walking through the streets sobbing his heart out.

I asked him if he was ok and he replied, "I'm the town crier".

 

[Lavinda Past]

My wife just told me that I don't know how to shave properly...

Bloody cheek!

 

[Lavinda Past]

I completing a survey the other day and it asked if I had ever had a store card.

I said no, but I once got a swan quite excited.

 

[Lavinda Past]

Little known fact...

Richard Gere's father, Gottler, was a famous ventriloquist.

 

[Lavinda Past]

I went to the hairdressers and said I wanted my haircut like Tom Cruise.

He gave me a booster seat.

 

[Lavinda Past]

I just paid £300 to rent a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn't include a driver.

I spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it.

 

[Lavinda Past]

I left my first wife because of her obsession with counting .

I often wonder what she's up to now ..

 

[Lavinda Past]

A rich lady is riding with her chauffeur when they get a flat tyre, so he gets out and starts trying to prise off the hubcap.

After a few minutes of struggling, the lady leans out of the window and says would you like a screwdriver?

He replies we might as well, I can't get this.bloody wheel off

 

[Lavinda Past]

A man gets arrested for making love to a dolphin.

His wife is furious and embarrassed . "How could you?" She says, "caught making love to a dolphin, Thats it I'm leaving you".

"Doesn't bother me" He says, "there's plenty more fish in the sea".

 

[Lavinda Past]

Everyone remembers their first crush...

Mine was orange.

 

[Lavinda Past]

I have erected a 6ft electric fence around my property.

My neighbour’s dead against it.

 

[Lavinda Past]

Time to log off now or I'll be late for my Morse Code class...

Must dash..

 

[RadcliffeRick]

A man gets arrested for making love to a dolphin.

His wife is furious and embarrassed . "How could you?" She says, "caught making love to a dolphin, Thats it I'm leaving you".

"Doesn't bother me" He says, "there's plenty more fish in the sea".

But, But, But Dolphins are mammals.

 

[blue44]

 

[blue44]

 

[blue44]

 

[blue44]

 

[MCFCTrick]

Hojlund ...