Joke thread

[Grassland Blue]

What's the difference between a woman's clitoris and a bottle of bud?





After 2 seconds the taste of piss is gone from a woman's clitoris.....

 

[Lavinda Past]

My mate is going on Dragons Den seeking investment in his idea to incorporate itching powder into shampoo.

It's a real head scratcher

 

[Lavinda Past]

I couldn't understand why I was having trouble fastening my seat belt yesterday

And then it clicked

 

[Lavinda Past]

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.


The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest removed his hand.
But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest apologised "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.

It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

 

[Lavinda Past]

A soldier was rushed to the hospital with a horrific bayonet wound.

Unfortunately, he was pronounced dead on a rifle.

 

[Lavinda Past]

My friend the opera singer has his birthday coming soon…

But, what can you get for a tenor these days?

 

[Lavinda Past]

I just missed out on a pair of Starsky and Hutch shoes in a sale.

They had souled out

 

[Lavinda Past]

I saw a bloke going through town today with a wheelbarrow full of horseshoes and rabbit's feet.

I thought "he's pushing his luck"

 

[Lavinda Past]

In my opinion, 6:30 is hands down the best time on the clock

 

[Lavinda Past]

I visited the Air and Space Museum today.

It was empty.

 

[Lavinda Past]

There's a job going at our local tampon factory

If anyone is interested let ne know; I can pull a few strings for you.

 

[Lavinda Past]

 

[Bigg Bigg Blue]

 

[Lavinda Past]

There's a security job going at our local dildo warehouse.

Apparently they've had trouble with squatters...

 

[Lavinda Past]

My missus said that she didn't understand cloning.

I said that makes two of us

 

[Lavinda Past]

 

[Vienna_70]

A rag was given a set of water skis for Christmas.

He hasn’t used them yet, as he’s still looking for a sloping lake.

 

[Lavinda Past]

I recently spent £6,500 on this registered Black Angus bull.
I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth.
Anyway......I had the Vet come and take a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young.
So he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.
The bull started to service the cows within two days……. all my cows!

He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows!

He's like a machine!

I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him but they taste like peppermint.

 

[KS55]

At the ripe old age of 75, I have joined a dating site for the first time. It is called ‘Carbon Dating’.

 

[Lavinda Past]

My grandad always used to say "it's the journey, not the destination".

Not exactly the best philosophy for a bus driver