Joke thread

LWashington said:
75 year old Alf comes home from golf and tells his wife, "I'll have to give up golf my eyesight's going, every time I hit long drive, I can never see where the ball lands."

His wife says, "Why not take my brother George, he's 85 but his eyesight is perfect, he'll tell you where the ball landed."

The following day George accompanies Alf to the course and Alf hits a screaming long drive off the first tee.

"Did you see where that went George?" enquires Alf.

"Yes I followed it all the way.",answers George.

"Where exactly did it land?", asks Alf.

"I can't remember.", replies George.
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First LOL in about 12 pages of “Ugh!”

Nice one!
 
An oldie but goldie I was reminded about yesterday - it's 2014 and England are in Rio for the world cup:

We see Posh Spice answering the phone:

"Hello, Beckham Tow-errrrs"

"Oh, hello - umm, is David there?"

"No, sorry - he's in Rio" (2 jokes for the price of one here :-) )

"Oh, ok then, bye"



2 minutes later, the phone rings again:

"Hello, Beckham Towers"

"Oh hello - me again. I meant to say 'it's David here' "

"Hi Babe! Love youuuu!"
 
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That reminds me of another dozy David joke.

John turned up at Pete's to pick him up to go to Maine Road, with his car covered in mud, leaves, grass and blood.

"Bloody hell, John, what happened?" Asked Pete.

"I saw Beckham and ran him over," replied John.

"Well, that explains the blood, but what about the mud, grass and leaves?"

"He tried to escape through the park."
 
As the doctor went through my notes, he said, "The surgery has risks. You will almost certainly regain the sight in your eyes but there is a chance it will affect your ability to maintain an erection."


I said, "How come?"


He said, "Well ... your wife is very ugly."
 
Vienna_70 said:
That reminds me of another dozy David joke.

John turned up at Pete's to pick him up to go to Maine Road, with his car covered in mud, leaves, grass and blood.

"Bloody hell, John, what happened?" Asked Pete.

"I saw Beckham and ran him over," replied John.

"Well, that explains the blood, but what about the mud, grass and leaves?"

"He tried to escape through the park."
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... or the one where he's late for training and Ferguson asks him what he's playing at.

"Sorry, boss, I was sidetracked trying to finish this really difficult jigsaw. It's a chicken", he replies, holding out the box.

"Ffs, David - put the Corn Flakes down and get your boots on!"




... or when he learned that a flask keeps hot thing hot and cold things cold, so he filled his with two cups of coffee and a choc-ice.
 
noseve said:
... or the one where he's late for training and Ferguson asks him what he's playing at.

"Sorry, boss, I was sidetracked trying to finish this really difficult jigsaw. It's a chicken", he replies, holding out the box.

"Ffs, David - put the Corn Flakes down and get your boots on!"




... or when he learned that a flask keeps hot thing hot and cold things cold, so he filled his with two cups of coffee and a choc-ice.
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Or even when, at half time during a match, Roy Keane says he can only play in the second half if he gets a cortisone injection.

Dave pipes up "if he's getting a new car I want one too!"
 
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