Joke thread

[Whichonespink]

Im here to fix the blind

Show him your cross

 

[noseve]

The fact that the Epping asylum seeker jailed for sexual assault but has been accidentally released today is the joke of all jokes.

It's not funny, obviously - but can you imagine the look on his face when they also gave him £75-odd to be going along with?

He probably thought the UK's streets really are paved with gold...

 

[DrBlueBob]

Talking of old “jokes” and cobbles puts me in mind of the classic opening of

‘What’s the difference between Raquel Welch and a cobbled street?’

I’m sure we all know the answer off by heart.

That one must have escaped me. :-(

 

[chesterbells]

That one must have escaped me. :-(

I think it goes along the lines of, one knackers your tyres and the other tires your knackers.
(The fact it’s Raquel Welch in there tells you when it dates from!)

See also:
What’s the difference between Fanny Craddock and a run in the woods?
One’s a pant in the country, the other’s a **** in the pantry …

And so they go on.

 

[dickie davies]

I think it goes along the lines of, one knackers your tyres and the other tires your knackers.
(The fact it’s Raquel Welch in there tells you when it dates from!)

See also:
What’s the difference between Fanny Craddock and a run in the woods?
One’s a pant in the country, the other’s a **** in the pantry …

And so they go on.

What's the difference between a goat and a goldfish?
One mucks around a fountain

 

[DrBlueBob]

I think it goes along the lines of, one knackers your tyres and the other tires your knackers.
(The fact it’s Raquel Welch in there tells you when it dates from!)

See also:
What’s the difference between Fanny Craddock and a run in the woods?
One’s a pant in the country, the other’s a **** in the pantry …

And so they go on.

Thanks. :-)

Joan Collins and a Kitkat.

 

[Paul Moulden's Golden Balls]

Thanks. :-)

Joan Collins and a Kitkat.

You only get 4 fingers in a Kitkat?

 

[DrBlueBob]

You only get 4 fingers in a Kitkat?

Is the correct answer. :-)

 

[jitsubluedan]

What's the difference between a goat and a goldfish?
One mucks around a fountain

What’s the difference between a magician’s wand and a policeman’s truncheon?
One’s for cunning stunts and the other’s….

 

[noseve]

I wouldn't normally just post links, but to any of those too young to remember, here are some examples of what pre-woke comedy offered... (if you don't like Spike Milligan, move on with my apologies)

 

[bladdered]

The Madam opened the brothel door in New York City and was greeted by a well-dressed, handsome man in his late 40s.

“May I help you, sir?” she asked.

“I want to see Rosie,” he replied.

She said, “Rosie is our most expensive lady. Perhaps you'd like to see someone else?”

“No,” he said. “I must see Rosie.”

Rosie appeared and told him, “I charge $10,000 a visit.”

Without hesitation, the man handed her the cash. They went upstairs. An hour later, he left.

The next night, he came back. Rosie was stunned - no one ever returned a second night at that price.

Still, he paid and went upstairs with her.

On the third night, he came again. Everyone was in shock. Again, he paid $10,000 and went upstairs.

Afterwards, Rosie asked, “No one’s ever done this. Where are you from?”

He replied, “Brooklyn.”

She said, “No way! I have family in Brooklyn!”

“I know,” he said. “Your sister passed away. I’m her lawyer. She asked me to deliver your $30,000 inheritance.”

Moral of the story: In life three things are certain…

Death
Taxes
And being screwed by a lawyer...

 

[Alan Harper's Tash]

 

[Bigg Bigg Blue]

 

[Bigg Bigg Blue]

 

[Bigg Bigg Blue]

 

[Bigg Bigg Blue]

 

[Bigg Bigg Blue]

 

[bluethrunthru]

Guy walks into the pub orders a pint and says to the barman

" I have a great joke about Reform voters - want to here it?"

The barman flinches and stands upright and replies

" I'm a Reform voter, so are the two women sat at that table as are the 3 big lads playing darts over there. Still fancy telling it?"

The guy responds

" nah - to be honest I don't want to have to explain it 6 times"

 

[NZBlue]

I'm not really sure which thread this belongs in but I've just spotted this Tshirt on line.

Anyone fancy one?

 

[Kush45]