Joke thread

[blue b4 the moon]

Not a joke, but why did Nicola Sturgeon’s ex need two Dyson hair dryers when he is bald, and why multiple Swiss army knives when they all have all the tools they need in one?

 

[Sam101]

I read that the best way to deal with a red wine stain on the carpet is white wine.


It worked, I drank two bottles and now I don't give a fuck about the carpet.

 

[Sam101]

I just found out cock-fighting is done with chickens....





That's a year of training down the drain.

 

[ColinBellsjockstrap]

 

[ColinBellsjockstrap]

Fella with no arms and no legs swimming the channel.

Caught cramp in his ears.







Man with two wooden legs,,,,his house caught fire

The fire brigade saved his house, but he was burnt to the ground



And the insurance wouldn't pay up, they said he hadn't a leg to stand on.







This bus driver married this bus conductress

On the wedding night she said "Room for one on top"

He said "Christ! you never told me there was room for five standing inside"





This girl went to the doctor with a wheezy cough

The doctor got out his stethascope and said "Big breaths"

She said "Yeth, and I'm not thixteen yet"





Man:- "What's the difference between a penis and a leg of chicken?

Girl:- "I don't know"

Man:- "Do you want to come on a picnic?"

 

[Bigg Bigg Blue]

 

[Bigg Bigg Blue]

 

[Bigg Bigg Blue]

 

[Bigg Bigg Blue]

 

[Bigg Bigg Blue]

 

[Bigg Bigg Blue]

 

[Sam101]

Does anybody know which actor played Forrest Gump?

Thanks

 

[Sam101]

My car broke down so I looked under the bonnet and saw a bat sitting on the engine.



He said, "Hello Sir, you are a handsome man and very nicely dressed too."



I could immediately see the problem...



Bat flattery.

 

[man on the moon]

Fella with no arms and no legs swimming the channel.

Caught cramp in his ears.







Man with two wooden legs,,,,his house caught fire

The fire brigade saved his house, but he was burnt to the ground



And the insurance wouldn't pay up, they said he hadn't a leg to stand on.







This bus driver married this bus conductress

On the wedding night she said "Room for one on top"

He said "Christ! you never told me there was room for five standing inside"





This girl went to the doctor with a wheezy cough

The doctor got out his stethascope and said "Big breaths"

She said "Yeth, and I'm not thixteen yet"





Man:- "What's the difference between a penis and a leg of chicken?

Girl:- "I don't know"

Man:- "Do you want to come on a picnic?"

Or......Man-" do you like chicken love"
"Girl-" yes"
Man-"well stick this in your mouth it's fowl"

 

[Ho Chi Man City]

Or......Man-" do you like chicken love"
"Girl-" yes"
Man-"well stick this in your mouth it's fowl"

Sid the Sexist

“Do you like fruit?” yes” “”suck on this, it’s a peach”.

 

[blue44]

 

[Sam101]

I absolutely refuse to accept the fact, that i fell overboard on an Egyptian river cruise.

 

[Sheriff Fatman]

I absolutely refuse to accept the fact, that i fell overboard on an Egyptian river cruise.

Took a few seconds, that one!

 

[Uwe Already]

Took a few seconds, that one!

At least you acknowledge that fact :) I always say, if you make a mistake, have the humidity to admit to it

 

[sir baconface]