Monday's newspaper headlines

"Evra reports Suarez to the FA for assaulting his hand with a forearm smash"
"Dalglish says 'I was scratching my nob at the time and saw nothing'"
"Taggart says 'I saw it clearly with my binoculars from 200 yards away and it was a stonewall penalty'"
 
Race wars sweeping nation!!

Black and white fight in streets due to football match.
PM "thinking about" using police to try and control violence (But then again....)
FA ban Manchester United and Liverpool and declare Manchester City premier league champions.
 
Mario in blue movie exploits

Controversial Italian Mario Balotelli has agreed to take the lead role in MCFC's follow-up production to last years successful film.

The club have however expressed some concern over apparent artistic differences and are understood to have mixed feelings around Balotelli's suggested title for the film, 'Blue Moon My Pants Are Rising'.
 
Twitter account kills user?

Wayne rooneys twitter account has apparently imploded after Manchester City regain their rightful place at the summit of the premier league sending shock waves dangerous enough to be lethal to users of a weak disposition. Last 'tweets' from Mr Rooneys account were reportedly 'fk me la' 'wheres my agent' and 'united till i di..........'
 
WAYNE ROONEY: Suarez is even more disgusting than my hair.

Wayne Rooney, 27, model professional, expresses his disgust for Suarez, Manchester City, any female under 60 and his award winning hair (see page 58)
 
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