My ex had tickets for the Lowry theatre last night and asked if I wanted to go with her. As I have only ever been to the theatre once in my life for my English O level 30 years ago, I agreed to accompany her.
We went into the Lowry Outlet beforehand and although all the shops had shut, there were rags of all shapes and sizes in garb of all colours, speaking in every accent you can imagine. Yes indeed folks, welcome to hell on earth.
Having ventured through every room of hell, we ventured into the theatre. The play finished late and apart from the rags in their cars queuing to get out of the Lowry car park for their four or five-hour trips home, there was hardly anyone about.
Can't remember where I caught the tram as it all looks the same to me over there on the set of Bladerunner, but a few stops along a rag-tag bunch of Rangers' fans (including some with those ludicrous half 'n' half scarves) got on, along with a sprinkling of rags. The booze 'n' smoke fumes were overwhelming but there was no mither initially, assumedly because the rags were outnumbered. Anyone who's ever been to the derby by tram will know that they usually give it the big one whenever they've got the numbers.
There were three rags near me, one of whom was giving it the Gary Neville hard stare. No idea why, but I got the impression he wasn't too tough but was just itching to kick it off with someone... anyone.
On his mobile to his mate, a Rangers' fan had a passing pop at Rooney. Mr Hard Stare was gearing himself up to 'have a word' due to the Rangers fan's lack of respect. His mates didn't share his giddiness and rightly told him to say nowt - after all he was just on the phone to his mate and: "we'd probably be the same."
Hard Stare took their advice initially, but his eagerness soon took over and he just had to have a word with the Rangers fan and his mates. Bearing in mind that they were all middle-aged blokes, a few others intervened and Mr Hard Stare backed off after giving the Rangers' fan the benefit of his wisdom.
His mate, Carrot Top, piped up to advise him that they were "just fookin' day trippers" but the fact that they really were day trippers and that this would have been a badge of honour to them rather than a source of scorn, as is reserved for day-tripping rags, was lost on him as he sat there in his adidas London trainers! The Third Man, meanwhile, said nowt.
Approaching G-Mex and Hard Stare was on his feet again warning the bemused Rangers' fans that he'd have more respect at Ilbrox. It was obvious that no-one on the tram was going to be in any doubt that he was going to the away game - probably his first. Once out on the platform the three stooges then started giving the Rangers fans the big one, bouncing about and offering the "fookin day trippers" out. As the tram was there a while the Rangers' fans were debating amongst themselves whether to get off and give it them.
I have no doubt in my mind that, despite the difference in ages, the rags would have been come off a poor second. Sadly, they didn't get off but they'd clearly had a good day out and just wanted to get home.
Had a quick chat with the Wayne Rooney fan club who was naturally quite blasé about the three stooges, saying they'd come over from Northern Ireland, before confirming that they'd had a good time and were off back home.
Hearing my accent some wrongly assumed that I was a rag and said they weren't looking for any mither, but once I'd told them I was a Blue they were fine.
One sour-faced old rag t**t then started banging on about our money, our council house etc. etc. I asked him who'd paid for the cantilever stand and doing up the old Scoreboard End in 1965 in time for the '66 Word Cup but, oddly enough, he didn't appear to know anything about that.
However, the unsurpassable irony of three rag numpties giving it out to a bunch of totally disinterested middle-aged "day trippers" from Northern Ireland, some of whom were wearing the rag badge on their half 'n' half scarves, just because one of them had not given enough respect to a whoring Scouser was one to cherish and will warm the cockles on many a long winter's evening.
