What do you get if you put a baby in a blender?
-An erection.
How many men does it take to change a lightbulb?
-One.
What do you call a Fish with no "i's"?
-Fsh.
Ask me if I'm a tree.
Are you a tree?
No.
Why did the Rabbit cross the road?
-It was nailed to the Goat.
What's Tartan and slippery?
-A Tartan slipper.
What's the difference between Neil Amrstrong and Michael Jackson?
-Neil Armstrong walked on the moon. Michael Jackson touched children.
How many Feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
-None. Feminists can't change anything.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
-E.T. phoned home.
How many Catholics does it take to change a light bulb?
-None. They use candles.
What do Ethiopians and Yoko Ono have in common?
-They both live off dead Beatles.
How do you get your dishwasher to work?
-Slap her.
How can you tell if your wife is dead?
-The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
Man walks into a bar with a Giraffe. The man orders himself a pint and gets a bottle of vodka for the Giraffe. The bar man questions the logic to which the man replies "don't worry, he's got a long neck". As the rounds progress for every pint the man has the Giraffe has a whole bottle of Vodka. As the bars closing the man and the Giraffe stumble outside where the Giraffe falls over to the ground in a drunken heap. The barman says "Oi, you can't leave that lying there", the man replies, "it's not a Lion, it's a Giraffe".
1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese and there's 5 people in my family. It's either my Mum or Dad, or my older Brother Colin. Or it could be my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. I'm pretty sure it's Colin.
Bloke walks into a fancy dress party completely starkers with a naked woman on his back. His mate says, what have you come as? Im a tortoise, says the bloke. Why have you got a naked woman on your back then? Its Michelle.
Ordered a pizza last night and asked for a thin and crusty supreme. They sent Diana Ross.